things I'm afraid to tell you

inspiration found here

I am team transparency. I used to talk about it all the time when I was in a Bible study and when I led one. We need to be more transparent. We won't grow as a group if we aren't more transparent. I respect a person more when they are transparent with me. Etc., etc.

I'll tell you almost everything about my life - my relationship with God, my beliefs, my marriage, my family, my friends, my work, my hobbies...

Almost everything. But not everything.

I'm still not going to spill all of my secrets. Some are simply unnecessary to publish on a public website. Some I still find too shameful, too painful to talk about. I will, however, tell you a handful of things that if I'm honest, I'm afraid to tell you.

I'm insecure about my intelligence
One of the best decisions I made in high school was taking mostly IB (similar to AP) classes. The downside was that most of my closest friends were the insanely smart kids. All they talked about at the end of senior year was their GPA and who was going to be valedictorian. I didn't get into Virginia Tech - a fact that I'm still ashamed about, and my SAT scores were nothing to write home about. I dread the day when my child asks me for help on their math or science homework and I don't know the answer. 


I'm not crafty and I can't draw worth beans
You're probably wondering why I'm afraid to tell you this. It's the strangest thing - so many people assume that I'm crafty! I guess I feel like I'm letting people down? There's this pressure to be crafty because everyone else is craft-crazy these days. I don't scrap-book (I stay far far away from scrap-booking supplies), I don't knit or crochet or sew (yet) and I rarely ever do DIY projects. I get frustrated and impatient with crafts. I much prefer to do projects like painting furniture or arranging items on a bookcase. I have a creative eye, and I think it's a pretty good one, but I don't play well with crafts.


I struggle with jealousy and comparing myself to other people
I don't have a cool job, or a high-paying one. I don't run marathons (or work out much at all). I rarely shop at "fancy" stores. I'm not a very good photographer. I am completely inept at doing my own hair. I don't live in an exciting place. Many of my peers are more talented writers than I am. I drive a minivan.


I've cried over many "I'm pregnant!" facebook statuses
Something I won't tell you is when we're trying, how we're trying, if we're trying, etc. I don't need MORE pressure to have a baby. The truth is, I'm very happy with how we've handled family planning, and I'm very happy that these past four years have been sans baby. Still, that desire in me to be a mom makes it hard for me when other people receive that honor. I've never not been happy for a friend - babies are exciting and all of my friends are going to make awesome mommas - but I have absolutely been jealous! Mainly because the phrase I've heard over and over again after a pregnancy announcement is, "Laura, you're next!" Yeah, I've had to listen to that for two years. Hear my heart - I appreciate that people are excited for us to become parents, and I'm sure I've done my fair share of unknowingly pressuring someone to have a baby, but I'm tired of being bombarded with baby questions! When we do have/adopt a baby one day, it will be planned. We will have years of marriage experience, going to restaurants alone and sleeping in behind us. We will have saved up. We will have traveled. We will have gotten practice watching other people's kids. So that's pretty great. 


I feel guilty for having had such an easy childhood
My parents are together and have a very happy marriage. We had a nice house and nice things. I was never abused, abandoned or neglected. I never struggled with smoking, alcohol or drugs. All of these things are huge blessings and I certainly wouldn't want the alternative, but I ache for people who have had loneliness and devastation in their life. 


I like fast food, including McDonald's
I'm surrounded by friends and family who turn up their nose at fast food chains. They're right, I know. It's gross. But Wendy's junior bacon cheeseburger? Taco Bell's chalupa supreme? Checker's fries? McDonald's breakfast? Nom nom nom.



Jim Gaffigan- McDonald's from Viksaa Mk on Vimeo.



What are you afraid to tell?