beach trip ‘14

Allow me to introduce you to our humble beachfront abode, where we played corn hole in the evenings...

walked to the beach whenever we so pleased… 

saw a doe and her tiny fawn IN OUR BACKYARD!!!

and a fox, since seeing deer wasn’t enough...

took pics of each other... 

drank beers and discussed golf scores in the pool...

and warmed up in the hot tub.

It was a great week. The best part was having my brother and sis-in-law with us, since it had been over a year since their last visit to America. (They live in Seoul.)

I can’t be steps from the ocean and NOT spend all day running between the sand and the water, so I camped under an umbrella every day and read and swam my little heart out.

At the house, we played corn hole (Andy and I won our family tournament), huddled around jigsaw puzzles, talked trash to each other while playing Pinochle, Settlers and Ticket to Ride, watched the World Cup and NBA finals and, most importantly, we ate. We all gained several pounds from the waffles, french toast bagels, donuts, crab cakes, bulgogi, sausage and cheese biscuits, strawberry shortcakes...and that’s only half of it!

Last year Andy and I tried to play mini golf, but a crazy storm hit while we were on the road. We made it happen this trip though, and John-Michael and Sky joined us. I hit a hole in one!

I asked Sky if she would snap some pics of me showing off my bump. (She took all of these beach pictures that I’m sharing.) I’m so glad that I have these pictures of me with my baby girl. I know, I know, my belly looks huge here. I had probably just eaten a bagel, okay?!

 

one year

John Andrew

Oh, I wonder
When did it all stop making sense?
I don't understand
I remember we were so sure, so innocent
Oh, but that was then
Can we ever go back?

I never thought this would happen to me. I never thought I’d be where I am today, or that my life would look like this. I never imagined that I would hold two dead babies, and that they would both be mine.

A month ago I would have told you that I was approaching the anniversary of John's death with a healthy amount of sadness and anger and an unexpected amount of hope. I would have told you that I was in a good place emotionally, all things considered.

And then Jane died. So much for being in a good place.

We didn’t release a balloon or plant a flower or read a poem today. (All of which are lovely things to do.) Instead, we spent last night talking/crying about how much it sucks that we even have to think about these kind of things. We don’t feel like “celebrating.” I don’t even feel the need to honor. I honor my babies by continuing to live, even though I’d much rather be where they are.

Maybe our tradition will be to drink coffee and eat warm almond croissants while playing cards in our pajamas, like we did this morning.

We miss you, John.

Life isn’t the same without you.

unbabymoon

We are supposed to go on our babymoon in a few weeks. We are supposed to be just as thrilled about it as we were when we booked our flight and hotel weeks ago. I’m supposed to have a baby inside me, but instead of a baby I have a seemingly bottomless amount of feelings…misery, rage, disgust, hurt, longing, frustration…among others. Feelings that are always riiiight on the brink of spilling over and out of my mouth and my eyes. Even my limbs feel restless…they want to punch or slap or kick or throw something. I can watch an episode of “Fargo” or read a book on the deck for hours or even spend some time in public, and those feelings and urges will be kept at bay for a while. But as I know all too well from this past year of grieving John, those feelings don’t always stay neatly tucked behind my trying-to-get-through-this-day face.

In a book I’m reading one of the characters discovers her daughter has committed suicide. She spends the following weeks holed up in her bedroom, sitting in an armchair and staring out the window. All day she sits. Her elderly friends take care of the cooking and cleaning and supervising the woman’s now mother-less grandchildren. I found myself envying the woman as I read. Sometimes I wish I could hole myself up in my room and not think about how the dog needs walking, or the clothes need laundering, or how it’s 2 p.m. and I should probably get some food into my stomach. Sometimes I don’t know how I can think of those things. Most of the time I resent responsibility—can’t I just get a break?—but now and then I’m grateful for it. It forces me to put one foot in front of the other.

(And the truth is I do spend an awful lot of time simply sitting and staring.)

Last year we canceled our babymoon/5th anniversary trip to Pittsburgh, and that alone was depressing. The thought of canceling two trips because of two dead babies is enough to make me want to tear my hair out. So we’re not going to cancel.

Now I look forward to the trip because I just.want.to.get.away.from.everything. It makes me sad that instead of being celebratory, this trip is now a brief escape for two people who have no desire to be involved with reality. I’m sad I won’t get to someday show my baby pictures of the trip we took when she was in my belly. I’m sad that the clothes I had bought to wear on the trip are now either returned or in a pile waiting to be worn by friends. I could go on and on…I’m sad, I’m sad, I’m so utterly sad.

We’ll be spending three full days and two nights in San Francisco. I have yet to finish figuring out our itinerary (my brain is too fuzzy for planning), but the “TO EAT” list is already twice as long as the “TO DO” list. That’s okay. Eating is doing.

Got any suggestions for the doing (other than eating) part? Any shops you know I’d adore? I know there is a lot to do. (Alcatraz is booked full…I’m reeeally upset about that.) I have to keep in mind that I’m still healing and we’ll be using a lot of public transportation as opposed to walking everywhere.

---

Thank you for grieving with us and caring for us. Right now it’s hard to receive encouragement about our future, even though we know everyone means well. We know God’s Word and what He promises. Keep that in mind as you read my depressing blog posts. I’m not writing as a cry for help—I’m writing to put words to my pain, which is very real.

[We’ve] had [our] fill of old cliches, like 'life is hard, but God is good’. But even though it's true, it won't stop what [we’re] goin’ through. I wish that I could say it would.

(I truly do want to know your San Francisco recommendations, so any comments regarding our trip would be welcomed!)

crushed.

It feels like something is pushing hard against my chest—like I can’t breathe. I have to remind myself that I can (and that I need to).

I recognize this feeling. I’ve had it before.

How did I get here… again?

in the waiting

16/17/18 weeks!

We’ve been singing this song at church a lot lately and it moves me to tears every time I sing along. My favorite lines:You finish what you begin. You see it through til the end. In the silence, in the waiting, still we can know you are good. All your plans are for Your glory, yes we can know you are good. The Lord our God is ever faithful, never changing through the ages.

Enjoying this waiting has been a challenge. I need that reminder… as much as I don’t want to feel how I feel or think what I think... still I know God is good.

I keep thinking about when I was this far along with John. I’ll be 19 weeks tomorrow, and just like last time I’m anticipating the anatomy ultrasound. Unlike last time, I’m going into this one with a lot of dread mixed in with the joy. I hate it. I hate that for weeks now I have felt like throwing up when I think about that appointment. I hate that I cried until I couldn’t breathe after I finally called and scheduled it. I hate that I keep grasping for peace as if it is out of reach, as if I’m stuck being fearful (when that isn’t the truth).

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

2 Timothy 1:7

I’ve been resisting writing this post because it’s hard to explain what I’m feeling, and it’s even harder when people respond with platitudes. “It will be okay!” “You’re meant to be a mom!” If I mention an ounce of fear, I’m being negative. If I say, “well, if something does go wrong with the baby…” then I’m being cynical. Here’s the thing: I’m not just thinking about what it was like to be pregnant with John—I’m also thinking about how this time last year I was literally waiting for my baby to die. I don’t LIKE that I’m struggling with fear! I don’t like that it is impossible for me to not imagine a scenario in which this pregnancy doesn’t go as planned. 

It sounds like I’m in the depths of despair, and I’m really not. Promise. I have big cries and little cries and the occasional panic attack, but the majority of each day is spent practicing finding satisfaction in this stage of life God has put me in. Even though my inclination is to want to rush to the finish line, I’m trying to appreciate these months before baby. When I get discouraged, I remind myself that not only am I still grieving John, but I’m pregnant. I’m bound to be emotional and tired at times. 

Let’s move on to the good stuff. Almost 19 weeks! Almost halfway! I can’t believe this is only my second baby post for this pregnancy. I’ve been feeling flutters for a couple of weeks now, and I never get tired of them. My belly, as you can see in the pics, is insane. Andy says, “oh my gosh, your belly!” EVERY day. I actually like that I’m showing a lot. I’m sure that will change in a month or so, but for now it gives me a little comfort. Hopefully my roundness comes from a growing baby and not just from the food I’ve been scarfing down (like the three strawberry sour cream scones I’ve eaten today).

There are two other preggos in my small group (yay!) and we recently went around and heard advice from the other women on things to do/relish before the baby comes. I loved their input (travel! sleep in! eat out!) and would love to hear yours!

A few things momma and baby have been up to lately: 

reuniting with Amy, one of my college roomies
(and buying a few things for your nursery at the Luckett’s Spring market)

snuggling with Autumn while the daddies went golfing

watching daddy and grandpa play golf

hello, baby!

WOW. I can’t believe this is happening.

I’m only 13 weeks! Look at that belly! I’ve been having a hard time hiding it this past week. Now I don’t have to hide it any longer. :)

Where to even begin? I suppose I should start by saying we are HAPPY. And oh, so very thankful. Getting pregnant was an answer to prayer. We weren’t sure how long it would take or if we could even get pregnant again. We’ve learned not to take anything for granted.

My prayer from before I even got pregnant was that with our next baby I would have a spirit of hope and not fear. That I would choose to trust in God’s sovereignty, even though it was God in His sovereignty who decided to take my first baby away.
However.
I’d be lying if I said I never worry. Or have panic attacks. Or call the doctor multiple times a week. Or brace myself to see blood on my underwear every time I use the bathroom.

This pregnancy is all the more bittersweet because of our loss. I’m glad that I got to be John’s mama, but I long to be a mama who holds a living, breathing baby!

John was the first person I told when I saw the lines on the pregnancy test. You’re going to be a big brother, I whispered. Then I wept and wept. Joyful tears and terrified tears flowed together and I felt myself falling into the arms of God for the millionth time this year.

It is strange—grieving the death of one baby while rejoicing over the life of another. It hasn’t even been a year since John's little heart stopped beating. I still ache for him. I found myself singing to this baby in the shower for the first time the other day. Normally I sing to John in the shower. I sang to him when he was dying, and I sang to him for months after. On Tuesday though, I sang new words. I made up some little ditty, the main line being “I hope I get to hold you.”

(I had to take a break from this post after writing those words because I burst into tears and had to put it aside for a while.)

The memories I have of carrying and losing John are still incredibly fresh. I want to meet this baby so much it hurts my chest every time I tell him/her “I love you” or watch Andy kiss my belly.

It occurs to me constantly that I wouldn’t be pregnant with this baby if John had lived. I don’t really know how I feel about that. I wanted John. I still want John. I want this baby, too. But I can’t have both. I can’t live each day in the past, so I’m placing my gaze forward while keeping my baby in heaven close to my heart.

Baby, even though we miss your brother, your daddy and I are glad to know you. You were and are prayed for. You were and are wanted. You are loved.

----

I was going to end it there, but many of you have followed our journey and probably have some questions for us. My doctors are not considering my current pregnancy high risk. They will change that if anything alerts them at my 20 week appt. (Truthfully, I’m grateful for this. If I were considered high risk I would get more ultrasounds, but I’d also have to go back to the same perinatal specialist and that place only holds bad memories for me.) I originally scheduled first trimester screening but ultimately decided to cancel the appointment after days of having extreme anxiety over it. We have heard a healthy heartbeat three times and my doctors have encouraged me to come in and hear it any time I get nervous or just need some reassurance. I’m still in the throes of morning sickness and seem to spend my days eating and sleeping and doing little else.

THANK YOU for praying for us and loving on us! Keep praying! Pray for our hearts to continue to heal. Pray for us to place our trust in the Lord and not open the door to worry. Pray that this baby grows perfectly and comes out strong and healthy!

baby thoughts

I wrote on Facebook that my next blog post wouldn’t be about food. Well, here it is, folks: word-vomit of all the emotions I’m feeling/thoughts running through my head! Lucky you!

Sometimes last summer feels like it happened much longer ago than it really did. Why is that? At the same time, I’ve been having major pregnancy deja-vu. I was wrapping up my first trimester this time last year, and every little thing is setting off memories in my brain.

I think I’ve gone a full two weeks without including the words “I’m so mad at you” in my prayers. I don’t know if I’m completely over the anger, but I’m definitely less angry. I’m angry that God let us go through that hurt, and that He didn’t give us a miracle. I’m angry that I now struggle with having hope in regards to fertility and bearing healthy children. Yup, still a bit angry!

It’s freeing though, to be so secure in God’s love that I know I can feel angry and not be ashamed or guilty.

The thought of John being safe and happy in heaven comforts me, but it also makes me a little bit jealous. I know he is happier there than he could have ever been here, but… selfishly, I still wish he was here.

I’m trying to allow myself to dream about babies in our future again. For so long I didn’t let myself go there. What if I can’t get pregnant? What if I do, and we lose the baby? What if the years ahead hold heartbreak after heartbreak? 

Last Sunday at church I held my friend’s son while she chatted with another couple. I wondered what Andy was thinking as he saw me cooing over Ben, and I tried not to let my mind wander to thoughts of “John would be almost this big if he had lived….” Ben's giggles after every eskimo kiss we shared just melted my heart. I want to hear my babies giggle. I want Andy to see me holding our baby, and I want to hear him bragging about how he made our baby smile.

Despite the tumultuous emotions that pour out of me when I think about God or attempt to communicate with Him, my core being is stilled by Him. I can feel angry or lonely or frustrated or like I can’t hold on any longer, but I know that I am never out of God’s tender hands. Whether I’m in a lowest low or highest high, God is there.

A friend posted this breathtaking passage on Facebook the other day and my heart leapt in my chest when I read it over. The desperation I feel, the incredible longing to be able to hope and not be afraid of what’s ahead, the tears that are always held at bay, all of my, “Why, God?” and “When, God?” questions…all of it, all of it, ALL of it fades to the background when I steady my heart on the ground of His goodness.

As the rain and the snow

come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy

and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills

will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the field

will clap their hands.

Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,

and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.

This will be for the Lord’s renown,

for an everlasting sign,

that will endure forever.

Isaiah 55:10-13

I don't want to bear this.

Some of this post was written in May, shortly after our baby received a fatal fetal diagnosis. I chose not to publish anything about the diagnosis on Facebook or my blog until I gave birth because I didn't have many medical details to provide readers (I still don't). Mainly, though, I was desperately hoping that the whole thing was a mistake and that I'd receive a perfectly healthy baby in the end. 

I was 19 weeks and 5 days pregnant when I was first told our baby was measuring small. The technician said I was measuring 16 weeks and 6 days and told me I must have been wrong about my due date. My OB didn't think the technician was correct, but he didn't seem concerned and told me to get another ultrasound two weeks later. 

Here is part one of my story as a mother who has only memories and a scar to show for it.

-----

On Wednesday, April 24th (22 weeks and 3 days), I had another ultrasound. Everything looked fine to us. Our baby was waving his or her sweet little hand at us (we didn't discover the gender until John was delivered), and the technician didn't linger over anything for a long period of time. Then, at the very end of the procedure, a bomb was dropped. We were told my amniotic fluid was very low and that our baby was measuring a little over 17 weeks—meaning that our baby was not only small but also had hardly grown at all in two and a half weeks. The technician went from smiley and relaxed to very agitated. She told me she would contact my OB immediately and that they would probably want to see me later that day. In the meantime, we had to go home and wait for the call from the OB.

I held in my tears until we got through the lobby and then cried out in anguish, filling the huge glass entryway of the women's center with the sounds of grief. Andy guided me to the car and we sat there together, blinking at the unrelenting sun and trying to make sense of the news we had just received. After what seemed like hours but was only minutes, I opened my mouth.

"We need hummus."

So we drove to Costco. I gratefully inhaled free samples and focused on what we needed: black beans, tomato sauce, chicken stock, hummus, pita chips and a rice cooker. What we didn't need: bad news.

My friend Erin arrived at our house not longer after we arrived home from the store. Erin had delivered a beautiful stillborn son just months earlier, and I had texted her right after appointment. She sat with me while I picked at my lunch, and then she prayed with me and cried with me.

"God doesn't give us more than we can bear," she said. "I don't want to bear this," I said back.

(quick note: I do not agree with the idea that God does not give us more than we can bear. Erin is a dear friend and I knew her intention was to try to comfort me.)

The OB finally called to confirm that my low fluid was a big problem and they set me up to see a perinatal specialist two days later (Friday, April 26th). Andy and I sat in our living room and stared at our phones, dreading the calls we had to make to our parents. I'll never forget watching my husband's face crumple when his mom picked up her phone.

I received an email that night from my brother. His words of advice and encouragement continue to bring me comfort today.

"I don't feel you guys need to pray or strive a lot, but instead watch some funny shows or listen to Bill Cosby. You guys have a lot of people supporting you in prayer."

This is what I took away from those words:

It's okay to let other people communicate to the Lord on your behalf. Rest. It's okay to laugh. In fact, go out of your way to laugh."

That night we watched episode after episode of "Parks and Recreation," and after hours of crying, we laughed.

Thursday was a blur. We both worked from home and took lots of breaks to hug each other and try to make each other giggle. Andy kept telling me to not let my mind wander to "what ifs" and reminded me that we would soon know more from the specialist.

Friday afternoon we met with a perinatal specialist for the first time. We listened to worship music on the way over, the words of "Come to Me" by Bethel and "Oceans" by Hillsong United piercing a part of me that I hadn't known existed until that week. I now see how God used many of these songs to prepare my heart to both bear and battle the hurt and fear and desperation that would come.

The green ultrasound gel on my abdomen seeped into my pants while the doctor checked on the baby, but for once I didn't care. I was too busy trying to discern what he was saying from the lyrics that kept running through my head. Your baby is way too small and doesn't have room to grow.  Come to Me, I'm all you need. You don't have enough amniotic fluid. I am your steadfast, so don't be afraid. Your baby isn't getting enough blood. I am with you. The limbs and organs are not growing properly. The baby has clubfoot. There is a potential hole in the baby's heart. STOP! I thought. Stop telling me all of the things that are wrong with my baby! Your baby will likely not survive in the womb and has a very unlikely chance of surviving outside the womb without life support. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Your baby could die tomorrow, or in a few weeks, or it could even be born. But then it would die. You've never failed, and you won't start now. This could all be caused by a chromosomal disorder, or it could be genetic. We don't know what to tell you...

We listened and nodded and wiped our eyes and shuffled to the genetic counselor's office, where we avoided looking at each other. The counselor talked with us about chromosomal disorders and blood tests and what our options were in moving forward. I felt like I was detached from my body and watching the whole scene as if it was a movie and the woman playing me was reading off of a script. "What are we supposed to do with ourselves?" we asked. "What are we supposed to say to people?"

We still don't have the answers.

21 weeks

still wondering how far along I really am...

This week, bless it, flew by. Today I have an OB appt, lunch with a friend and a potentially rainy drive to Harrisonburg! Andy and I will both be heading to the 'burg in a few weeks for a wedding, but I'm popping down for a couple days to get some quality time with girlfriends and I can't WAIT. I'm also reeeeally excited about getting Jack Brown's. I think I might go twice. We were supposed to have our gender reveal party this weekend, so I'm glad I have something fun planned to help make up for the extra wait.

I wore the above dress to a bridal shower this week and was asked if there was a non-maternity version. I said, "this IS the non-maternity version!" I know this in-between phase won't last much longer... I have to embrace it while I can!

Oh, check out how tan I was when I wore this dress two years ago:

Is it just me, or do I look like I could become a leathery-faced old lady? :-/
(We had gone to the beach twice that summer.) I miss being tan! And I miss my long hair.

I digress.

I'm currently reading "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist and it is really blessing/challenging me. Shauna just put out another book and it seemed fitting that I read this article and watched the interview (isn't my friend Kelly stunning?) only hours before having our friends Matt and Leslie over for an impromptu dinner party. I made a chicken and zucchini casserole last night and served the leftovers tonight with a simple salad, and later put out fruit and mini cannoli from the grocery store bakery for dessert. It was the easiest meal to throw together and I didn't feel an ounce of stress! I'm normally a ball of nerves before company comes over! I forgot to dust! Should I have organized the fridge? What if they open it? Thank goodness for yummy leftovers and gracious guests.

best meal: leftovers with good friends, of course.
happy moments: I fiiiinally started nesting this week. Our guest rooms are what I really need to focus my attention on, but for some reason all I wanted to do was clean out and organize the master bedroom closet and the linen closet. At least I've made progress, right? Also, both Andy and I got to feel Leslie's baby kick last night. Andy's never felt a baby kick before and his face looked so shocked and happy! I can't wait for him to feel HIS baby.
baby moments: Lots of flutters this week! It never gets old.

20 weeks... I think?

scroll to the end of the post for belly shot outtakes

We had an ultrasound last week and had the best time seeing our little baby and identifying different body parts. Most of the time we could tell it was a baby, but every now and then it would look like an alien! During the first half of the ultrasound I had to have a full bladder, so the baby was squished and curled up sleeping. Its little ankles were crossed and we could count the toes. Then, after I went to the bathroom, baby flipped over and started moving its mouth and kicking its feet. It was the coolest thing I have ever seen.

(apologies for using the word "it." baby understands.)

look at that lil nose and mouth! and elbow! haha

holding his/her ear

skinny little arm :)

the inside of baby's brain. see the little fingers above the head?

The whole thing was so magical, but it ended on a disappointing note. The technician told me that there was "no way" I was nearly 20 weeks (based on my due date, I was 19 weeks 5 days at the time of the ultrasound). She said the baby was measuring proportionate but small, and that she estimated me to be SIXTEEN WEEKS AND SIX DAYS. Whaaa? I told her that was impossible and that I'm very sure of my dates, but that didn't change her mind. Based on the measurements, my new due date is September 14th. 

I left the imaging center wanting to cry, but I felt guilty over being so upset. In the grand scheme of things, being a few weeks behind is not a big deal. A lot of thoughts were running through my head, such as that's three extra weeks I have to wait to meet the baby! and my belly is way too big to be sixteen weeks! and even that means I have to go back and change every blog post!

After a few days of mulling things over, I decided to call my OB's office and talk to the nurse. Since I had the ultrasound at an imaging center and not at my doctor's office, the nurse and my OB had to look at the baby's measurements on paper as opposed to on the screen. She said, "We've looked over the baby's measurements and we're just as confused as you are!" I've never been so relieved to hear that a doctor is confused! She told me that it's possible I am off by a little bit, but that I should continue moving forward with my original due date. They scheduled me to have another ultrasound in two weeks to see if the baby has caught up to a proper size and weight. I'll keep ya posted...

It's been a good week, other than the confusing news and a weird bout of dehydration. I really thought that I was drinking plenty of water on Wednesday, but I woke up from a nap feeling dizzy and it only got worse with time. It eventually escalated so much that I started shaking and sobbing and called my mom in a panic. She encouraged me to ask a friend to come over since Andy was at work. My friend Kiniqua jumped in her car the minute I called and sat with me for four hours until I felt better. I'm so grateful for the friends God has blessed me with in Frederick!

Happily, the weather has been superb this week! We spent last weekend visiting friends in Richmond and had a fabulous time soaking up the sun in Maymont Park. Andy and I always get extra lovey-dovey for each other when we're on vacation, even in the face of nasty traffic on 95 (blerg). The "honeymoon" has lasted all week and my body is exhausted. (FROM LAUGHING, people. my mother reads this blog!) 

A few of my jobs for this past week were cancelled, but I didn't mind! I spent my days walking the dog along the creek (and watching her joyfully dive into the water for the first time this year), taking long naps and re-reading "The Glass Castle." There are countless projects around the house I could have been working on, but my attitude right now is to soak up as much rest as I can!

best meal: last night I walked to the store to pick up salad and cannoli to go along with our "Italian" leftovers (cold cut pizza and spicy Italian sausage w/ penne and peppers). It was a big meal that I stretched over two hours. 

happy moments: laughing with Andy so hard that we both cried. on multiple occasions.

baby moments: I love feeling like I have a little partner in everything I'm doing — even mundane tasks like washing dishes. 

belly outtake reel:
(andy started taking pictures rapidly and the first time he did it, I started laughing. the second time he did it I just threw my hands up in surrender.)

19 weeks

this outfit is so comfortable and belly-friendly that I wore it 3 times in one week
:-/

Let's just pretend that week 18 never happened. I had a miserable cold and my nausea and food aversions resurfaced. Oh, and pimples. :-/ My 18 week picture reflected how awful I felt, so we'll be keeping that one to ourselves...

19 weeks! Moving along! Before I forget — pregnant ladies, you need to get yo'selves a pair of these amazing pants. They're much cuter in person. (I'm wearing them in the pic above.) I got them for $14.99 b/c I used a coupon, but they're still a steal at $19.99. If you're between sizes I'd recommend buying a size down. Gap returns are super simple, so buy two sizes if you're nervous.

I cannot for the life of me figure out a comfortable sleeping position! I've tried a pillow wedged behind me, a pillow in between my knees, a pillow in between my chest (weird, I know)... nothing is working. I keep meaning to go out and buy a body pillow to see if that does the trick. Any suggestions?

Also, when will normal food be appealing again? All I really want is a cheeseburger. I haven't had one in SO LONG! (A week.) Suddenly 95% of the foods I mentioned in my "eating for two" post sound gross.

In addition to these crazy sleep and food issues, a bird(s) got into our house through a vent that leads outside. We started hearing it on Sunday night but couldn't do anything about it b/c it was dark outside. Yesterday Andy asked to borrow a neighbor's ladder because the vent is reeeeally high up on the outside of our house, but the guy wasn't home. Hopefully it will get taken care of today. I'm so sick of hearing wings flapping furiously inside the walls/above the ceiling. It's terrifying! I have a horrible vision of the bird flapping so hard that it comes through the kitchen cabinets.

On the bright side, we get to see the baby this week! I can hardly wait. 

best meal: other than burgers, I craved IHOP last week. (I know. I'm the worst.) We went, and I cleaned my plate faster than Andy. I hardly ate for the rest of the day.

happy moments: a super sweet friend of mine here in Frederick asked if she could throw me a baby shower! I cried. (That should really be the title of my blog... "I cried.") I didn't expect anyone would throw me a shower here, and I was so touched. (hey girl, I know you're reading this. you're awesome.)

baby moments: the other night I was on top of our bed with our dog, who was to the right of my feet. Andy was kneeling on the floor to my left and was rubbing my feet. Sweet man. He accidently tickled me and I jerked my foot and yelped, and right away Casey gave a moan-y growl and covered my feet with her head. Little protector! She's never done anything like that before. Who knows for sure the why of it, but we like to think she senses my "condition." Also, the baby might be able to hear our voices now, so we've been upping how much we talk and sing to him/her.

eating for two

My sister sent me a book titled, "The Pregnancy Survival Cookbook" and the very first recipe is simply toasted egg bread (or challah) with butter. I cracked up, because all a nauseous pregnant woman wants is bread or crackers!

I thought I'd share with you what I've been eating at home. Since two of my jobs are outside the home (substitute teaching and nannying), I try to buy or make items that can be easily packed for lunch. Nothing I list here is genius, but maybe it will inspire you anyway.

A few things to keep in mind: For your first trimester you can follow the rule that any calorie is a good calorie. Once you feel better, though, you definitely need to start thinking about eating well both for your sake and the baby's sake! (This advice came straight from my doctor.) Also, don't be shy about asking a family member or a close friend to bring you dinner one night. Before I got pregnant I had visions of myself doing p90x with a baby bump while veggies roasted in the oven. Bahahaha. I'm not quite there yet! :) I have been making a point to take more walks and eat more fruit, though. Gotta start somewhere.

Oatmeal

I buy both plain instant oatmeal and low-sugar variety pack instant oatmeal. I love adding my own mix-ins to oatmeal when I have the time (like fresh chopped strawberries and shredded coconut). I keep meaning to try a baked oatmeal dish from Budget Bytes.

Mini bagel with cream cheese

I loved bagels pre-pregnancy, but they became a MUST during my first trimester. I was eating them every day for weeks! I recommend buying mini-bagels for two reasons: 1, they have half the calories, carbs and sugar as regular bagels (don't forget that butter or cream cheese is going to add calories and fat) and 2: it's recommended that pregnant women eat several small meals throughout the day instead of three large meals. I love butter, but I was obsessed with cream cheese during my first trimester. Enjoy eating lots of dairy while you're pregnant!

Homemade muffins or breakfast bread

You might not feel up to making ANYTHING during your first trimester. I know I didn't! But the first day that I had a break from what I like to call the pukies, I was in the kitchen whipping up a batch of pumpkin muffins with chocolate chips and walnuts. (These banana muffins are great, too.) Then I made strawberry bread. This recipe is similar to the one I used, except I used half whole wheat flour, unsweetened applesauce instead of oil and a mix of honey and sugar. 

BBQ sliders

This pulled pork recipe is SO easy and I promise you'll only be in the kitchen for a few minutes. I made it for Superbowl but used the leftovers for my school lunches. I loosely wrapped each slider in plastic wrap and then microwaved them for about 20 seconds. 

Tuna or chicken salad 

I couldn't stomach chicken salad during my first trimester, but tuna was yummy. I had a really hard time making it (several runs to the bathroom were involved), though! I like to eat tuna plain or in a tuna melt, but my latest favorite way is to toss plain canned tuna with pasta salad.

Pasta salad

See what I did there? Andy made Suddenly Salad on a whim one night and I was delighted to discover that it didn't upset my stomach. I eat it plain or with tuna, but you can also add olives, cheese, beans, etc. You can also buy pre-made pasta salad at the deli counter. If you're up for it, try my summer orzo salad.

Snack plate

This is my most common lunch. I pick two or three of my favorite snacks and arrange them on my wooden serving plate so that I feel picnic-y and fancy.

Grilled cheese with tomato soup

This one is a no-brainer. Serve with some apple slices or a quick salad. I buy Pepperidge Farm's 45 calorie per slice bread.

More soup! 

Andy told me he would happily eat chili every day for the rest of my pregnancy. Our favorite is turkey taco chili, but it's not the healthiest soup in the book. I'm planning to make turkey sausage and veggie soup some time this week. 

Chicken burritos

I can't rave about these enough. These were also perfect for wrapping up and taking to school for lunch. I've been craving beans and cheese throughout my pregnancy so far, and this is another way (other than chili) to get a filling, protein-packed meal. I tweak this recipe quite a bit, so read my notes if you want your meal to come out the way mine does.

Eggplant parmesan with turkey bolognese

You're probably tired of my constant references to this recipe. Have you tried making it yet? It's a quick dinner and it's got great nutrition for the baby.

Loaded potatoes

This is an especially great meal for when you're in your first trimester, because you can make it meat-free and it hardly takes any time (or dishes) to make. It's such a simple meal, but we get really excited about it — especially if we have green onions on hand! I'm currently obsessed with sweet potatoes, and sometimes I'll save half to wrap up for the next day's lunch.

Banana with a peanut butter sandwich

For some reason I prefer to alternate munching on the banana and sandwich, as opposed to putting the banana inside the sandwich.

Sliced apple and cheese

Can't. get. enough.

Pretzels, pita chips, sweet potato chips, popcorn or chips and salsa

Special K Chocolate and Strawberry cereal

Breakfast bars (Andy recently brought home DOZENS of new products from Kellogg's, and I'm obsessed.)

Cottage cheese with fruit

(disclaimer: sometimes lunch is Wendy's. sometimes dinner is Pizza Hut. sometimes my snack is a brownie. I aim for moderation, not perfection.)

17 weeks

This has been a roller-coaster of a week. I felt really great for the first few days, but then was hit with a massive case of the crankies (impatience, mostly) plus a sore throat and runny nose. I'm thinking some coconut chicken soup might be in order.

I've been trying to take as many sub and nanny jobs as I can these days since I wasn't working a whole lot in January and early February. (Hmm, I wonder how I got sick?) I've been giving myself at least one day a week to stay at home and rest/clean/write, but this week I used my free day to meet a friend in Ellicott City. I'm looking forward to taking it easy this weekend and maybe going on a date w/ Andy. 

One of the weirdest things I'm experiencing is having long stretches of time where I don't want to eat. My nausea is much better these days, so I don't have to snack all the time. Since I was eating nonstop for a while there, maybe my body is just exhausted? I have to practically force myself to eat during the day, but a raging appetite strikes at night. I've found that if I don't eat something before going to bed then I wake up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous. Don't worry, though — I AM eating. 

looking back on week 17...

best meal: baked sweet potato with butter, sour cream, salt and pepper. tastes just like sweet potato fries! 

happy moments: spending a day with Laurel, napping after work with my pup and watching Andy talk to the baby 

baby moments: I FELT THE BABY MOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS WEEK! I had been sitting on the couch for a while when all of a sudden I felt a popping movement in my belly. It was so incredible! We hear the heartbeat again this afternoon. :)

read about week 16 here 

16 weeks

baby avocado best get used to make-up less and no-shower mama

I seem to be feeling better with each passing week. I now know to pack snacks and a water bottle even if I'm only leaving the house for a few hours. I don't know what I'll do with myself once morning sickness passes for good! Maybe we'll celebrate with a vacation? Haha.

Last night I had a dream that I received $100, and my first thought was now I can buy the diaper bag I've been eyeing! Yikes. Who am I!? (In case you're wondering, the bag is well under $100.)

I didn't expect my center of gravity to be affected until my belly was bigger, but I'm constantly wobbling and running into things! I also mix my words up and struggle with finishing sentences. I called an octopus an "octopotamus" the other day. I thought I was weird before I got preg, and now I'm SURE of it.

looking back on week 16...

best meal: baked onion au gratin soup ("apple cider, Gruyere cheese, vidalia onions, crostini, thyme" omg YES) and an oyster po'boy from Firestones. also, tomato soup and grilled cheese. also, Outback bloomin' burger. OK, EVERYTHING I EAT IS THE BEST! 

happy moments: sleeping 10-12 hours a night, going downtown with my momma, laughing at Arrested Development with Andy and sipping on an iced coffee while getting a pedicure 

baby moments: I've seen some occasional movement when I look down at my belly. I haven't felt the baby move yet, but the sudden movements were under my belly button right where the nurse said the 

baby was. Was that you, baby?

read about week 15 here

15 weeks

week 12, 13, 14 and OHMYGOSH I'M ONLY 15 WEEKS WHAT IS UP WITH THAT BUMP?!

I'll admit, I'm already struggling with comparing my belly to other bellies. I KNOW it's ridiculous, but it's still a struggle. You wouldn't know it from the picture, but I've only gained a half pound since last week! 

I've been baking and cooking and doing laundry and trying to re-establish some normalcy in this house. It feels so good to be productive, and now I feel a lot less guilty when I take naps or catch up on my shows. We've been eating out in the evenings more than usual (trying to catch up with all the friends we hardly saw when I was at my sickest), so I'm trying to make smart decisions when I pack snacks and make lunch. I'm really into oatmeal, strawberry bread and apples and cheese. And for dessert, a quarter half of a plain spinach tortilla. It's all I want to eat at night!

Preg moment of the week: Andy came over to the couch where I was sitting and pointed at my sweatshirt that had taco salad stains on it. "Hi stain-y," he teased. "I'm pregnant!" I said, trying to look cute and pitiful. "Yeah, but your mouth is in the same place that it was before you got pregnant," he said back. He sure knows how to make me laugh. And be a pain in my neck. (Love you, babe!)

also, I started sobbing uncontrollably in a coffee shop. yikes. I think I need to wear a sign on my neck warning people of my crazies.

looking back on week 14...

last week was a total blur, so we'll move on to this week. 

looking back on week 15...

best meal: We had dinner at Dan's in Boonsboro last night with friends, and the fish and chips I ordered took me right back to Ireland.  

worst meal:  this category isn't necessary now that I'm eating normally. 

happy moments: see below!

baby moments: I couldn't stand not knowing how you were doing, so I went to my doctor and requested to hear your heartbeat again. It took a long time for her to find it, and Andy wasn't able to be there to hold my hand. I prayed hard and begged please, baby, let me hear that you're alive, and not too long after I heard that beautiful thump-thumping noise. You're hanging out right on top of my bladder. No wonder I have to go all the time! 

I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU, BABY!