Sometimes last summer feels like it happened much longer ago than it really did. Why is that? At the same time, I’ve been having major pregnancy deja-vu. I was wrapping up my first trimester this time last year, and every little thing is setting off memories in my brain.
I think I’ve gone a full two weeks without including the words “I’m so mad at you” in my prayers. I don’t know if I’m completely over the anger, but I’m definitely less angry. I’m angry that God let us go through that hurt, and that He didn’t give us a miracle. I’m angry that I now struggle with having hope in regards to fertility and bearing healthy children. Yup, still a bit angry!
It’s freeing though, to be so secure in God’s love that I know I can feel angry and not be ashamed or guilty.
The thought of John being safe and happy in heaven comforts me, but it also makes me a little bit jealous. I know he is happier there than he could have ever been here, but… selfishly, I still wish he was here.
I’m trying to allow myself to dream about babies in our future again. For so long I didn’t let myself go there. What if I can’t get pregnant? What if I do, and we lose the baby? What if the years ahead hold heartbreak after heartbreak?
Last Sunday at church I held my friend’s son while she chatted with another couple. I wondered what Andy was thinking as he saw me cooing over Ben, and I tried not to let my mind wander to thoughts of “John would be almost this big if he had lived….” Ben's giggles after every eskimo kiss we shared just melted my heart. I want to hear my babies giggle. I want Andy to see me holding our baby, and I want to hear him bragging about how he made our baby smile.
Despite the tumultuous emotions that pour out of me when I think about God or attempt to communicate with Him, my core being is stilled by Him. I can feel angry or lonely or frustrated or like I can’t hold on any longer, but I know that I am never out of God’s tender hands. Whether I’m in a lowest low or highest high, God is there.
A friend posted this breathtaking passage on Facebook the other day and my heart leapt in my chest when I read it over. The desperation I feel, the incredible longing to be able to hope and not be afraid of what’s ahead, the tears that are always held at bay, all of my, “Why, God?” and “When, God?” questions…all of it, all of it, ALL of it fades to the background when I steady my heart on the ground of His goodness.
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.