grief

pregnant with John

pregnant with Jane

In between my posts about decorating, cooking, traveling and whatnot, you’ll notice some words of lament. Maybe you were reading long before my babies came along, or maybe you’re new to this blog and you’re wondering why I’m sad and what the heck happened. (I still wonder that myself.) Maybe you read my words to help understand me, or a friend, or even yourself. Maybe you’re grieving, too. If so, I hope my words give you some sense that you are not alone in feeling sad, though grief is a very lonely and isolating experience.

Our son John Andrew was stillborn on July 13, 2013. I was 34 weeks into my pregnancy. He was eleven ounces.
Our daughter Jane Louise was stillborn on June 20, 2014. I was 21 weeks into my pregnancy. She was five ounces.

John died because my amniotic fluid was extremely low, keeping him from being able to grow. There was also evidence of absent end diastolic flow and reverse end diastolic flow (basically, problems with blood flow). The exact cause of these issues was not determined.

Our doctors do not know what caused Jane’s death, either. There were signs of absent end diastolic flow at my anatomy ultrasound on June 16th. She was also measuring small and the doctor saw several other concerning issues. She passed later that evening or the following morning. We picked June 20th as her stillbirth date because that was the day she was delivered and we got to meet and name her.

My husband and I are still learning to live without the babies we so happily anticipated.

If you have questions about my experience or want to share your own, feel free to contact me. You can leave comments below, on a specific post, or through an email. Contact me at shopgirl5102008@gmail.com, and please allow some time for me to respond.

posts about John, from when we announced our pregnancy...
-Baby! (Jan. ’13)
-Is this how it’s going to be? (Jan. ’13)
-12 weeks (Feb. ’13)
-When worry strikes (Feb. ’13)
-13 weeks (Feb. ’13)
-14 weeks (Feb. ’13)
-15 weeks (March ’13)
-16 weeks (March ’13)
-17 weeks (March ’13)
-19 weeks (April ’13)
-20 weeks (April ’13) *the first sign of an issue
-21 weeks (April ’13) *my last weekly post

...to after he died, and what it’s like to live without him.
-God is gracious (July ’13)
-The bad and the ugly (July ’13)
-Getting through (Aug. ’13)
-I don’t want to bear this (Aug. ’13)
-Being strong (Sept. ’13)
-Will you walk alongside me? (Oct. ’13)
-A Mother’s Heartache (Oct. ’13) *published on ibelieve
-Dread (Nov. ’13)
-How to Bless a Grieving Friend (Dec. ’13) *published on ibelieve
-2013: my hardest year yet (Jan. ’14)
-Baby thoughts (Feb. ’14)
-What Grief Taught Me About Grace (March ’14) *published on ibelieve
-More than sorrow: the unexpected hardships of losing a baby (April ’14)
-One year (July ’14)

posts about Jane, from when we announced our pregnancy…
-Hello, baby! (April ’14)
-In the waiting (June ’14)

...to after she died, and what it’s like to live without my two babies.
-Crushed (July ’14)
-Unbabymoon (July ’14)
-A PSA on my grief (Sept. ’14)
-I remember (Oct. ’14)
-Loving and Losing (Oct. ’14)
-Giving Thanks (Nov. ’14)
-Home (Dec. ’14)
-I Survived (Jan. ’15)
-On a Sunday in March (March ’15)
-Filled with sorrow, or expectant joy? (April ’15)
-The Decision to Be Faithful (May ’15)
-Around Here (June ’15)
-God’s real love in my real suffering (July ’15)