Sunday, July 13, 2014

one year

John Andrew

Oh, I wonder
When did it all stop making sense?
I don't understand
I remember we were so sure, so innocent
Oh, but that was then
Can we ever go back?

I never thought this would happen to me. I never thought I’d be where I am today, or that my life would look like this. I never imagined that I would hold two dead babies, and that they would both be mine.

A month ago I would have told you that I was approaching the anniversary of John's death with a healthy amount of sadness and anger and an unexpected amount of hope. I would have told you that I was in a good place emotionally, all things considered.

And then Jane died. So much for being in a good place.

We didn’t release a balloon or plant a flower or read a poem today. (All of which are lovely things to do.) Instead, we spent last night talking/crying about how much it sucks that we even have to think about these kind of things. We don’t feel like “celebrating.” I don’t even feel the need to honor. I honor my babies by continuing to live, even though I’d much rather be where they are.

Maybe our tradition will be to drink coffee and eat warm almond croissants while playing cards in our pajamas, like we did this morning.

We miss you, John.
Life isn’t the same without you.


  1. You are a brave woman and Im in awe of your ability to persevere through unimaginable tragedy! And though you might not always feel like you're actually "persevering"... you are. I love you!

  2. We love you. I heard a story where Beth Moore asked her mother in law how she made it after her three year old son was killed in a house fire. She replied, "I didn't mean to, I just kept waking up." As you walk forward, cry, scream, laugh, rejoice, eat a croissant. Allow yourself to just be what you need to be at that moment. Then, when you need to fall down, know that many of us are there to support you-- as are the "everlasting arms" of Jesus. Though His may seem unseen, look for them through faith, hope and love. We are praying for you each. Love-- cindy


thanks for reading!