baby thoughts

I wrote on Facebook that my next blog post wouldn’t be about food. Well, here it is, folks: word-vomit of all the emotions I’m feeling/thoughts running through my head! Lucky you!

Sometimes last summer feels like it happened much longer ago than it really did. Why is that? At the same time, I’ve been having major pregnancy deja-vu. I was wrapping up my first trimester this time last year, and every little thing is setting off memories in my brain.

I think I’ve gone a full two weeks without including the words “I’m so mad at you” in my prayers. I don’t know if I’m completely over the anger, but I’m definitely less angry. I’m angry that God let us go through that hurt, and that He didn’t give us a miracle. I’m angry that I now struggle with having hope in regards to fertility and bearing healthy children. Yup, still a bit angry!

It’s freeing though, to be so secure in God’s love that I know I can feel angry and not be ashamed or guilty.

The thought of John being safe and happy in heaven comforts me, but it also makes me a little bit jealous. I know he is happier there than he could have ever been here, but… selfishly, I still wish he was here.

I’m trying to allow myself to dream about babies in our future again. For so long I didn’t let myself go there. What if I can’t get pregnant? What if I do, and we lose the baby? What if the years ahead hold heartbreak after heartbreak? 

Last Sunday at church I held my friend’s son while she chatted with another couple. I wondered what Andy was thinking as he saw me cooing over Ben, and I tried not to let my mind wander to thoughts of “John would be almost this big if he had lived….” Ben's giggles after every eskimo kiss we shared just melted my heart. I want to hear my babies giggle. I want Andy to see me holding our baby, and I want to hear him bragging about how he made our baby smile.

Despite the tumultuous emotions that pour out of me when I think about God or attempt to communicate with Him, my core being is stilled by Him. I can feel angry or lonely or frustrated or like I can’t hold on any longer, but I know that I am never out of God’s tender hands. Whether I’m in a lowest low or highest high, God is there.

A friend posted this breathtaking passage on Facebook the other day and my heart leapt in my chest when I read it over. The desperation I feel, the incredible longing to be able to hope and not be afraid of what’s ahead, the tears that are always held at bay, all of my, “Why, God?” and “When, God?” questions…all of it, all of it, ALL of it fades to the background when I steady my heart on the ground of His goodness.

As the rain and the snow

come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy

and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills

will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the field

will clap their hands.

Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,

and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.

This will be for the Lord’s renown,

for an everlasting sign,

that will endure forever.

Isaiah 55:10-13

dread

I've been staring at my computer for a while, thinking of the reasons why it has been over a month since my last post. Part of it is feeling bad for writing "downer" posts about being sad, but mostly it's got to do with dread.

If there was one word that could sum up what I've been feeling lately, it's dread. Dread for the day ahead, and wondering if I'll get through it without crying or yelling or thinking cynical thoughts. Dread over the possibility of being asked, "do you have any kids?" or being told, "you're young, there's still time," or "I know it will happen for you." I struggle with dreading the future, and all of the unknowns that lie ahead.

I dread writing this blog post, or really writing anything at all, because writing makes me think of John and thinking of John makes my chest ache.

The other day I told a friend that I was enjoying a long streak of what I call "good days." I said, "I think I'm being filled up to be poured out," and I was right.

I've learned to give in to the grief, to let it wash over me, shake me up and wring me out. I do my best to feel it and then let it go—not chew on it, like I'm often tempted to do. The dread is hard to shake, though. It's in the back of my mind, whispering worry! fear! hide! give up! It bottles itself up in my throat and becomes lodged there. I am so weary of the battle, but I find rest in knowing it has ultimately been won.

the bad and the ugly

I've really struggled these last few months with being honest about everything—the good, the bad and the ugly. It was easier for me to skim over the bad parts ("we're devastated," "I cry a lot," etc.) and focus on the good parts. There's this need we all feel to keep conversation lighthearted... as if people won't want to be around us if we're honest with them. No one wants to be a downer. Plus, it was important to me to speak of the good that was coming out of our situation: God's faithfulness and compassion, the outpouring of support from family and friends, the increased intimacy in our marriage... we may have been facing terrible, unimaginable news about our precious firstborn, but we were still SO blessed.

Still, the bad parts were still there. Ugly parts. Parts that were really hard to share with people because voicing them made them real. I kept most things inside. People would say, "I don't know how you're doing it... I would be crying all the time." I hated hearing that. I did cry. I cried in the shower every day for weeks as I held my stomach and sung "Soon," changing all of the "my's" and "I's" to "you." (You will be with the One you love, with unveiled face you'll see Him. There your soul will be satisfied, soon and very soon.) I cried when the lights were out and my face was smushed against my pillow. I cried against Andy's chest. I cried in front of my friends. I cried in front of strangers at the pool. But I couldn't cry ALL the time. I hated all the crying! I hated being sad, because I hated the reason why I was sad. I wanted to smile and laugh and not lose sight of joy. It was a huge relief to me when I could be at a party or out for coffee or wherever and not cry!

I was extra irritable, extra impatient, extra prone to thinking (and sometimes saying) cuss words. I filled my social calendar so that I would be distracted, and then when that got too exhausting I practically fell of the face off the earth and became a hermit for a while. I stopped going to church. Public worship was too hard—I wanted my sob-interrupted praises to be kept private. I couldn't follow sermons because I'd hear a baby cry or a toddler babble and all I could think about was how much I wanted my home to be filled with that noise.

Andy and I had to have conversations about what we were going to name the baby. Those conversations are supposed to be fun and filled with anticipation. They weren't fun. We had to talk about if we were going to hold the baby, if we were going to have testing done, what we were going to do with the remains... all totally crappy conversations to have.

Then, on top of all that, I bled, puked and peed for three days in a hospital room in front of the guy that I have a huge crush on. We held our stillborn son. My body started producing milk not long after I left the hospital. My chest hurt so much I thought I was going to scream. It especially hurt whenever I cried, which was (and continues to be) multiple times a day.

It continues to hurt to laugh, cry, turn over, sit up, sit down, get out of bed, use the stairs, ride in the car... it just hurts. My incision looks horrifying and huge (to me, at least) and all of the severed nerve endings feel like flashes of lightning inside my lower abdomen. My legs ache because they hardly get any exercise.

Oh, and our fridge broke the day before we left for the hospital and it has still not been repaired.

I don't really feel better after typing all the bad and the ugly. I much prefer to share the good. The good is what is important. The good is the moral of our story. The good is what will endure... and what I hope we will choose to remember.

when worry strikes

JDC 

I called on the name of the Lord over and over this weekend. Oh, Jesus. Please, Jesus. Hear me, Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 is a passage that I often call to mind, but I think I must have quoted it multiple times each hour last Wednesday. I had painful cramps all day and eventually called my doctor's office in the evening. The doctor suggested I do my best to not worry or go to to the ER, but instead to rest and call her the next day if I felt the need to schedule an appointment. I burst into tears after hanging up the phone because I was so relieved to hear her sound completely calm about the situation. The next morning I did wake up with cramps, but I prayed, petitioned, and gave thanks, and I felt confident that God would give me the ability to continually choose peace over anxiety. I had a restful morning and was able to focus my attention on rejoicing over the coming weekend with my family. My brother and his wife Sky are in the States for a few weeks (they live in Korea), so it was truly a joyous occasion.

My mom told me that after talking on the phone with on Wednesday she quickly notified several friends and that she woke up to multiple emails on Thursday from people asking about how I was doing and sending their prayers. One friend said she couldn't sleep at all and prayed for me the entire night. It makes me cry just thinking about it. How cool is it to think that there was a network of believers petitioning God to keep my baby safe and relieve me of pain? I am blessed.

I'm still cramping, but at this point I know that at least some of it is due to gas. (Ew.) I have my second appointment on Thursday and we're both praying hard that everything will be as it should and that the cramping is simply a symptom and not a sign.

I don't write this to say look at me, I'm cured of worry! because that's not true. I wish to chronicle the triumphs and struggles that I'm going through because once I have a screaming child in my arms I might not be able to remember all these things. I want to remember these special/painful times with the Lord, and to testify to His faithfulness. I also write to encourage you to lean on the Lord and on your friends for strength and encouragement when you find yourself stricken with worry or fear.

or, you can do this... though I don't recommend it!

"Do not be calm about anything, but in everything, by dwelling on it constantly and feeling picked on by God, with thoughts like 'and this is the thanks I get' present your aggravations to everyone you know but Him. And the acid in your stomach, which transcends all milk products, will cause you an ulcer, and the doctor bills will cause you a heart attack and you will lose your mind."
-Beth Moore

health to one's whole body

I've been chewing on Proverbs 4 lately, particularly verses 20-27. It's such beautiful fatherly advice from Solomon to his children, and I found myself going back to it every night for the past couple of weeks. It's easy to skim a passage and think, okay, I get it, we're supposed to do this and that. The weight of it doesn't sink in, though - that's why I've been re-reading it over and over. For me, it helps if I focus on one or two verses at a time and ask myself what is really being said here? I thought it would be interesting to go through the passage verse by verse and write them down in my own words as a method of observation (not as a replacement to the original).

from pinterest

Proverbs 4:20-27 NIV (also love the ESV)

My son, pay attention to what I say;

turn your ear to my words.
Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;
for they are life to those who find them
and health to one’s whole body.
Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.
Keep your mouth free of perversity;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
Let your eyes look straight ahead;
fix your gaze directly before you.
Give careful thought to the paths for your feet
and be steadfast in all your ways.
Do not turn to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.

my observations on what is being said here:

My child, focus on what I am saying;
don't let my teachings go in one ear and out the other.
Don't lose sight of my wisdom,
Give my words a home in your heart;
for those who seek them will find true existence
and their bodies will receive full nourishment.
More than anything, protect your heart,
for all of your thoughts and actions come from it.
Do not allow wicked words to come out of your mouth;
Hold your tongue from damaging babble.
Do not let yourself be distracted;
Look only at what is right in front of you.
Take time to think about the direction you desire for your life
and match your actions to your words.
Do not veer off the path you are on;
Watch your step lest you fall into a pit.

God's hand in our move

purchase print here

I also love the NIV version of this passage:"You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me."

I've been reading through Psalms at night and last night I hit chapter 139, a passage I've heard and known since a child. It's funny how you can read the Bible over and over and every time it will speak to you in a different way. Verse 5 jumped out at me and I had to smile at God's perfect timing.

This week has been rough. My chest hurts so much that it's hard to breathe. I'm overwhelmed and anxious and sad. This is my last post from Harrisonburg! Tomorrow we pack up the U-Haul and make our way to our new home.

Even though it's hard to leave, we have joy knowing that our God has gone before us and will be with us. He has laid His hand upon us and blessed us. We will praise His name.

He will quiet you by his love

God is my favorite author.

Sing aloud, O daughter of Zion;

shout, O Israel!

Rejoice and exult with all your heart,

O daughter of Jerusalem!

 The Lord has taken away the judgments against you;

he has cleared away your enemies.

The King of Israel, the Lord, is in your midst;

you shall never again fear evil.

On that day it shall be said to Jerusalem:

“Fear not, O Zion;

let not your hands grow weak.

 The Lord your God is in your midst,

a mighty one who will save;

he will rejoice over you with gladness;

he will quiet you by his love;

he will exult over you with loud singing.

 I will gather those of you who mourn for the festival,

so that you will no longer suffer reproach.

 Behold, at that time I will deal

with all your oppressors.

And I will save the lame

and gather the outcast,

and I will change their shame into praise

and renown in all the earth.

 At that time I will bring you in,

at the time when I gather you together;

for I will make you renowned and praised

among all the peoples of the earth,

when I restore your fortunes

before your eyes,” says the Lord.

-Zephaniah 3:14-20

Love in essence...

This living water will not quench us if it's watered down. It's not our place to hide again this treasure that we've found. We might as well just fold our hands if we can't call a spade a spade, 'cause we will miss the heart each time if we won't ever shoot them straight.

This song is about the temptation to dress down the gospel and the danger that lies in doing so.

It's also dangerous to dress down our calling as believers - and there is a LOT that we are called to do! According to Matthew 22:36-40, loving God and loving others should be our top priorities. You know how in "A Scarlet Letter" the main character is forced to wear a symbol of her sin for all to see? Christians should be easily identified by a badge of love -  a symbol NOT for how we feel about someone, but a symbol for our willingness to sacrifice for that person.

I recently attended a study on spiritual growth. We discussed the attributes listed in 2 Peter 1:5-7: knowledge, virtue, self-control, steadfastness, godliness, brotherly affection and love. And then there are verses 8 and 9...which are SO incredibly convicting..."For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins."

We talked about how these attributes build upon one another, with love being the very last (and most important) "step." Without love, you are ineffective. You are unfruitful. You are a clanging cymbal. Essentially, you are straight up WHITE NOISE to whoever you are attempting to witness to.

We will miss the heart each time if we won't ever shoot them straight.

I came across a post on agape love (sacrificial love - the kind of love that God desires us to have) that really convicted me. I hope it will speak to you, too.

(side note: while I agree with many of the points I've read on this site, please do not view this author's word as Truth - filter everything through Scripture - and feel free to contact me if you have questions.)

Agape love is not about feeling good but doing good - treating people as God has treated to us in Christ.

According to Jesus, agape love is the distinguishing mark of the church: "I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another" (John 13:34-35). We do not allow the errors and excesses of others to excuse our own behavior. We do not allow our feelings to prevent us from treating people right. We practice the discipline - and it is indeed a discipline - of agape love. This will keep us busy enough without having to condemn others: Love in essence is not a matter of how we feel about people, but how we treat them... (this blew my mind. Such an obvious truth, yet not something we really think about. If we were to spend our energy loving others, we wouldn't have much energy left to judge them). It can be said with confidence at the outset, and also at any subsequent stage on the road, that learning to love all the different sorts of people whom God sends across our path, in all the different sorts of situations he shapes up for us and them, is going to prove the hardest discipline we shall ever face.

- Thomas Howard and J. I. Packer, Christianity: The True Humanism

In order to live this way, we must "deny self and take up our cross daily and follow Christ. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will save it" (Luke 9:23-24). This way of life will directly oppose our self-centeredness, but it will also, at the same time, open us to new life, God's life (this is why love can be so hard - it requires humility). Above all other expressions of love, agape allows us to transcend ourselves for the good of others. It exposes our selfishness and draws us out of our shells to love others, no matter what it takes.

Is agape love a quality others easily identify in you? Is your love for others increasing?

not by works, but according to His mercy

I'm wrapping up the lesson I put together for the Bible study girls that I've been blessed to fellowship with each Tuesday night. Both of the regular teachers have other things going on this week, so I get the awesome opportunity to put into action all of the things I've been learning from God's Word. This is the first time in years that I've taught a lesson to people over the age of 10, so I'm super excited. I'm going to be discussing salvation -- here's a little taste.

"We ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit,  whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior." 
Titus 3:3-6

Ephesians 2

1And you were dead in the trespasses and sins 2 in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— 3 among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body  and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. 4 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— 6 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. 11 Therefore remember that at one time you Gentiles in the flesh, called “the uncircumcision” by what is called the circumcision, which is made in the flesh by hands— 12 remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world.13 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. 14 For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility 15 by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, 16 and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility. 17 And he came and preached peace to you who were far off and peace to those who were near. 18 For through him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father. 19 So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, 20 built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, 21 in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. 22 In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit.

I TGIF'd

I had the wildiest work day yesterday. I had three interviews all over town, didn't have time to eat, had a headache, was super stressed... but, at the first interview I had a family insist I ride their zip-line before I left (it was legit- and awesome), at the second I received the most stunning flower I've ever seen (from the woman's garden), and at the third I was told by a twelve year old that he was a crack baby, and that the hardest part about having foster siblings was worrying about how he could potentially say or do something that would "mess up their life." THEN, right before I left, I was telling his mom that I was about to have a date with my husband and that we were going to talk about my job situation and whether or not I should go full time. She hugged me and out of the blue asked if she could pray over me. She prayed for the date and for easy conversation. She prayed we would have wisdom and peace. Mind you, I had never met this woman before.

I wept the entire way home. Who am I that You are mindful of me? (Psalm 8:4)
Forget the fact I was dead tired. Forget that my stomach had been growling for hours and that I was completely dehydrated and headachy. Forget that I worked a 9 hour day and was on the road for almost 2 of those hours.

God cares enough about little old me to put these kind of people into my life. He knew that riding that zip-line would put a smile on my face. He knew that an unexpected gift would touch my heart. He knew that a child's honesty would tug on my heartstrings, and that the powerful prayer of a stranger would be yet another confirmation that despite all of the evil and sadness in the world, there is GOOD at work.

Andy and I had a wonderful date. We did a wine tasting at Wine on Water, browsed the new toy shop downtown and had a blast flirting and teasing each other over dinner at Dave's. We decided that I should take on the temporary full-time hours (temporary as in I'll be working 40 hours through December, but not receiving any benefits). We'll see what happens. Life is only going to get crazier, it seems, but we have an incredible God looking out for us.

one last thing before I go

it's almost 5 a.m. and I've been awake for three hours. I was very frustrated... there are few things more maddening to me than knowing I need to get good sleep but not being able to have it.

I prayed and prayed. I thought of happy memories. I rubbed my belly (it's very calming...but not calming enough apparently). I realized I hadn't eaten food since noon, so I had a piece of toast. I prayed some more.

Finally, I felt the Lord nudging me to get out of bed again and open up my Bible. It automatically opened to one of my favorites passages - Psalm 119. David was in the midst of war when he wrote it.
It always applies. It always leaves me convicted, motivated, refreshed and even more in love with God. I've read this passage many times, but I was stunned to come across verse 148, which I suppose never stood out to me before::

"My eyes stay open thorough the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises." 


amen to that!!!

Indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance

Psalm 16

16:1 Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”

3 As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight. 

4 The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.

5 The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
6 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

7 I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me. 
8 I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
10 For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.

11 You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

daily bread

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (ESV)

the cry of my heart

"May my cry come before you, O LORD; give me understanding according to your word.
May my supplication come before you; deliver me according to your promise. 
May my lips overflow with praise, for you teach me your decrees.
May my tongue sing of your word, for all your commands are righteous.
May your hand be ready to help me, for I have chosen your precepts.
I long for your salvation, O LORD, and your law is my delight.
Let me live that I may praise you, and may your laws sustain me.
I have strayed like a lost sheep.
Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten your commands."
Psalm 119:169-176


sometimes when I wake up and my heart needs helping, you hold on to me tightly and tell me of all your lovin', I thank you oh Lord for listening to me now and out on the front porch for sitting me down, I needed to hear, you remind me of how you love me just for who I am, I thank you oh Lord for these times that we spend.- swb (sunday worship band-probably nowhere on the internet)

holding it together

I've been trying to hold it together lately and the truth is, I just can't. Last week I was able to get through the work week, but each day I would come home and want to crawl into bed. I didn't want to talk to people or get out of the house. I wanted a dark room and silence and my husband's snuggles. A lot of that was due to that lovely time of the month, but still... I hate it when I don't feel like myself. I'm not pregnant, I'm not depressed, I'm not angry at anyone or about anything... I'm just not feeling good.


"Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in your my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. I cry out to God Might High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me."
Psalm 57: 1-2 (ESV)

What helps: prayers. snuggles. Freecell. croutons. quiet. Andy's compassion and generosity. 

a pig with a nose ring

"Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion."
Proverbs 11:22


This verse cracks me up. Basically, God is saying, "your beauty is completely worthless and pointless if you have bad judgement." Really, what's the point of an earring on a pig's snout? There isn't one. Even if the earring is expensive and beautiful, there's no denying that the thing that's wearing it is a pig. So, even if a girl is absolutely gorgeous, her lack of discretion will be obvious to others.


The comparison makes me think of women on The Bachelorette. Most of the girls have perfect hair, perfect skin and a perfect body (at least by our culture's standard). Some of these women have great personalities. Others, not so much. Many of them will do anything to get ahead in "the game." They flaunt their bodies, steal the Bachelor away whenever possible and say mean things about the other girls. Their willingness to do whatever it takes to land their man overshadows their beauty in the eyes of the audience, and usually in the eyes of the Bachelor too (except for Jake and Vienna... what a train wreck).


While I know Andy is attracted to me physically, I also know he is more happy having a wife who is faithful and who considers him (and/or consults him) before making decisions. 


It's so much more valuable to have virtue than to have beauty.

where you go, I will go

“Look,” said Naomi, “your sister-in-law is going back to her people and her gods. Go back with her.” But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.” 
Ruth 1:15-17

Ruth may have been talking to her mother-in-law, but don't her words translate into something beautifully romantic? They remind me of wedding vows. The commitment she makes to Naomi was life-changing. She had the opportunity to return to her family and her homeland and re-marry someone from her own tribe. Instead, she chose to go to Bethlehem with Naomi because she was intrigued by Naomi's faith. Surely she had heard of the God of Israel. Ruth adopted Naomi's faith and converted to Judaism. She re-married in Bethlehem and gave birth to a son, and through her second marriage became a part of the lineage of Jesus Christ.

I'm so inspired by Ruth's faith and humble attitude. 

Check out Pastor Paul's sermons on how we can learn about identity through the book of Ruth.

where is your treasure?

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21


I struggle with this verse. As a daughter of God who loves her Father, I desperately want to obey Him and store up treasures in heaven. As a wife, daughter, sister, friend, and lover of books/fashion/home decor/etc... I also delight in my earthly treasures. It's hard for me to find the line within my heart that separates my selfish desires from my genuine joy and delight in the Lord when it comes to those things I've listed above (earthly treasures). Does that make any sense? For example-- my books. If I view anything in my life as a tangible treasure (not including people), I think of my books. I would be heartbroken if anything happened to them. Most of them were gifts or cost me less than $5 (Green Valley Book Fair, holler), but they are still precious to me. Anyone who knows me well would say that my love for reading comes from God. My parents never had to pay me a dime to read a book (if they did I would be rich). I devoured books as a child, and I still do when I have a good chunk of time.


I don't believe it bothers God that I love to read or that I love my library. In fact, I think it brings Him joy. BUT, by buying books and lining bookshelves with them, how am I not storing up treasures on earth? In fact, translated in the Greek, the verse is really saying "Don't accumulate / heap up treasures" (as in stockpile). I do accumulate books. My love for books is within my heart! I can't deny that. And not to at all take the spotlight off of myself, but I don't think I know a single person who isn't homeless who doesn't have knick-knacks or gadgets or something that they own more than one of.


OK-- I know it's all about the condition of our heart and where our priorities lie. I know that it would be bad if I were buying books to look smart. It wouldn't be right to spend my whole life reading and not spending time with God and family and working. I guess the struggle for me is that  this passage doesn't include the middle ground of having treasures on earth AND in heaven.


Later in chapter 6 the Word tells us we cannot love both God and money (which, if you look up in the Greek, translates to treasures/riches/wealth). At Bible study last night we talked about how to make wise decisions concerning our income and how we can do so in a way that is accordance with scripture. 


I'll admit something- there's quite a list of things I want for our house right now. We legit NEED a new shade or curtain for our guest room because the shades broke and too many overnight guests have had to change in the bathroom... but that isn't the end of the world. I want:: more frames, linens, lipsticks (lame, I know)... while I can't think of anything else right now I know there's a much longer list than that! It's easy for me to get carried away when I'm shopping, especially when the items I'm buying aren't expensive. The thing is, stuff always adds up. It stinks. 


While Andy and I do work, have a budget, tithe and pray about big purchases, I want to do more than that. I want to ask God about little purchases too. I want to align my heart to His will. I want to find more delight in what's in store for me after death than what I have here on earth. 


What treasures on earth are you holding on to?

the word is near you

"Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach. It is not up in heaven, so that you have to ask, “Who will ascend into heaven to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?” Nor is it beyond the sea, so that you have to ask, “Who will cross the sea to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?”

No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it."
-Deuteronomy 30:11-14

I had never read the book of Deuteronomy until recently, and it is chock full of incredible encouragement! These verses are exactly the kind of reminder that I've been needing. I need to continue quoting Scripture aloud and keeping God's word in my heart.

In January my small group studied the topic of worry. We learned that worry is a sin. I grew up in the church and reading the Bible, so I should have always known that worry is a sin, but I always chalked it up to being something that's natural and unavoidable. We memorized Philippians 4:6-7, which says:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I made it my goal to stop myself every single time I experienced worry and go through the following steps::

1) tell myself "Laura, it is a sin to worry."

2) ask God to forgive me for worrying

3) quote Phil. 4:6-7

4) thank God for promising to give me peace that transcends my understanding

This process occurred around the time that I was interviewing for a job at the local newspaper, waiting to hear about the job and then starting the job. I worried a LOT. I confessed a LOT. I quoted Phil. 4:6-7 a LOT. I was shocked by how often I had to stop and correct my thoughts. There were many days when I would quote the verses several times an hour.


the word is very near you