The Great Big Chloe Post

How do I begin? These past seven weeks have been like living inside of a dream. I hold my baby and marvel that she is mine. This one is growing. This one is healthy. I don't have to give this one back. 

Preparing for Chloe
After receiving the call that changed our life forever, I went into supersonic speed mode and had to juggle wrapping up work projects, packing for our temporary move to Virginia, figuring out what we'd need for the baby and finding a lawyer and adoption agency. On top of this, I had a bunch of friends and family members to call with our happy news! We immediately begin receiving gifts — a delicious meal, a stroller and carseat, baby clothes, generous checks... so many kind gestures! We are even receiving breast milk from kind friends! (I tried to nurse the first few weeks — yes, it is possible — but I did not produce.)

Chloe's birthday (April 14)
I hope to write a blog post solely about this special day soon. I had planned to be in the operating room with J, but she had to go under general anesthesia and no one was allowed in surgery with her. We were able to meet Chloe shortly after she was born. It was MAGICAL! We had a private room that we spent the night in and our nurses took incredible care of our girl. We received a 24-hour discharge and I walked out of the hospital with a living baby in my arms! Thank you, Jesus.

The first few weeks
Chloe was the easiest newborn! She rarely ever cried, except to tell us when she was hungry. Even then, her cries were polite and short. I call them baby lamb bleats. She seemed to attach to us right away — especially to Andy. She would gaze into his eyes and stare at him until going cross-eyed with exhaustion. Everyone in the family (extended family included) fell in love with her right away. She fits into our family so perfectly! We all kept saying, "are you real? is this real?" (I still ask this!) My mom and I would run errands now and then and we'd take Chloe with us, and people would say, "you look great for just having had a baby!" I would simply say, "thanks!" Haha. It felt good to get out of the house, especially because my time at home was often spent scanning documents and making phone calls. That leads me to...

Adoption requirements
Oh for heaven's sake. The amount of documents to scan, errands to run, phone calls to make... Chloe's adoption was a full time job! It was absolutely worth doing, and we had to get it done ASAP in order to have a timely consent hearing and move back to Frederick, but it was truly miserable. I desperately wanted to spend all day holding my baby and enjoying being a mother, and instead I was spending hours every day dealing with paperwork and fees. Thankfully, it's mostly over! We'll have a few follow-up home studies and we'll go back to court in one year. There is still SO much I don't know or understand about adoption. I'm hesitant to share much about our experience because it happened under such unusual circumstances (and I was in a new-momma daze the whole time). I know adoption is often a very long and hard process. Still, I'm happy to answer questions if anyone has any.

Work
Andy quit his job with Kellogg's at the end of February and took a job selling solar energy with Vivint Solar. The timing was interesting, because his new job is 100% commission and has zero benefits. (Totally ideal situation for having a baby!) Then, in March, a friend called and offered me a job with her graphic design company. As if two new jobs wasn't enough of a change, we were offered a baby soon after! I've been teasing Andy that a new job and new baby is enough — he can't get a new wife! We are blessed to both love our jobs and our coworkers. I now work part-time as an administrative assistant for Kalico Design, doing everything from website work, social media, client projects and making a million spreadsheets and google docs. I've been commuting from NOVA to Frederick twice a week since the end of April, and Andy has been commuting to his territory in Gaithersburg. Andy's hours allow him to be home with Chloe while I'm at work, which is yet another blessing. I will be cutting back on Laura Rennie Interiors, but I'll still take on projects here and there as my schedule (and sanity) allow.

Chloe, lately
Chloe is growing like a weed! She was 7 lbs 13 ounces at birth and was 9 lbs 8 ounces at her four week check-up. It breaks my heart that she no longer fits most of her newborn clothes!

A few of her favorite things are:

- Baths! You wouldn't know it from this video, but Chloe LOVES baths! We started giving her a bath in the sink, and that seemed to help. I have her sit with her little bottom over the drain and use one hand to hold her chest while using my other hand to bathe her. She doesn't make a single peep during the whole bath, even when water runs over her face!
- Being held against our stomachs. She likes to have her face planted in our side, with her body against our belly and her legs dangling over our other side.
- The word "oblivious." It makes her smile. It's the darnedest thing!
- Tummy time
- Being sung to
- Feeling a burp cloth being tucked around her neck. She immediately stops fussing and relaxes her body. She is so trusting of us!
- Her daddy, grandpa and uncles. She loves deep voices.

Chloe has been to Winchester to visit her Meemaw (Andy's mom), Grancy (Great Aunt Nancy) and Andy's brother's family. She's also been to the movies! My mom and I went to see "Love and Friendship" the other day. Chloe slept through the whole movie. We took her to a restaurant for the first time last night, and she did fabulously. We celebrated Chloe's adoption at my family's favorite restaurant — Carlyle, in Shirlington. Chloe gave it five stars.

Us, lately
Andy formed an instant connection with Chloe and is such a natural with her. He took on feedings and diaper changes as if he'd done them a million times! He has been an amazing parenting partner, selflessly serving me and our girl. Having help from my parents has given us the ability to get good sleep and have occasional just-the-two-of-us time together. For our anniversary we were able to leave Chloe with her Grandma and Grandpa and go out for dinner at Southside in Old Town and ice cream at The Dairy Godmother in Del Ray. It was so weird to us (but fun) that we had a baby to go home to! Living in Springfield with my parents has truly been a gift. If you know my parents, you know they're the ideal people to have to live with for 7 weeks! I've only cooked and done laundry a few times. :) We miss our friends and our home and will be glad to get back to Frederick, but we will miss the love and help my parents have given to us and our girl. Once we get the go-ahead to cross state lines we will head to my family's cabin in Pennsylvania for a short vacation with my parents, brother, sister and their spouses. We hope to get the call today!

Even more praises
- We hit our $3500 fundraising goal! We also received personal checks. I haven't done the math, but I would estimate that we've raised a little over $5,000 for Chloe's adoption! These funds are a HUGE blessing, as we have three attorney fees, plus the cost of home studies, random adoption related fees (fingerprinting, driving records, etc.) and medical bills. Huge thank you to all who have donated!
- Thanks to gift cards and the many presents Chloe has received, we have not had to use our own money to pay for any baby items! I actually haven't bought Chloe a single item yet, other than things for her nursery.
- My brother and sister-in-law, who live in Korea, had planned their May/June visit to the states long before we knew about Chloe. What great timing, right?
- We continue to have a great relationship with J (Chloe's birth mom). Adoption can be a heartbreaking experience for adoptive parents, but we have had full confidence in J. I love spending time with her, because it gives me a glimpse into Chloe's potential future personality and looks. Plus, I truly enjoy her company! She's funny and independent and driven and smart.
- Chloe is a healthy, happy baby who sleeps well and eats really well. Praise God!

photo by Erin Swann Photography

The end! :)

We're adopting!

on our last date before baby — Five Guys! (We're so fancy.)

Our wild adoption story:

Thursday, April 7th: My mom called today with the craziest news. “J is making an adoption plan, and she’s offering the baby to you and Andy. It's a girl, and she's being delivered next Thursday, April 14th."

(I know. I KNOW. That is in two days! Crazy town!!)

Oh, the tears. I cried so hard and so loud that my dog fled from the room in fear. The best word to describe it is verklempt. I could barely speak. I managed to get out the words “I want her so bad."

I called Andy and asked how he felt. When he said, “I’m open to it,” I immediately burst into tears again. I’ve done a lot of crying over the last few months, but nothing compared to how much crying went down that day! The start of this year has been super emotional for me. This summer marks the third anniversary of our son John's death, and the second anniversary of the loss of our daughter Jane. (You can read more about them and my grieving process here.) My heart has been aching for my babies and I've wondered what the future held for us in terms of children.

It feels amazing to be weeping tears of joy.

It turns out Andy already knew about the baby. My parents had the wisdom to share with Andy first so he could pray about it before I found out. (I think everyone knew I would be all in!) He asked me to give him a little bit more time, which was absolute torture.

The next day I woke up smiling. I prayed for Andy to make a decision by the end of the day. Before he left for work he turned to me with a grin and said, "What are we waiting for? Do you want this baby? Let's have this baby!" It was the absolute BEST! I imagined the angels in heaven bursting into cheers and songs of praise.

I went back and forth between astonished laughter and fits of happy tears. We kept saying over and over, “How is this real life? What is happening? We are having a baby in a week!” 

I called the birth mother and she was so happy and relieved to hear our answer. J is a friend of my parents and both Andy and I met her last fall when she joined our family for Thanksgiving dinner. Funny enough, I joked with my family that I was going to ask J for her baby! God knew all along. :) 

Ever since Jane died I have prayed for God to bring a baby to our doorstep. I begged Him, "God, make it easy. We don't want to have to go through more pain." He heard my prayers! I've also been asking for God to restore my ability to hope and to show me His redemptive love through my pain. Through this crazy amazing experience I am learning that God wants us to dream big and pray even bigger!

Andy has been the most wonderful partner through all of this. Our shared grief brought us closer together in a sad but beautiful way. We have experienced seasons of being hermits and seasons of being social, and I'm grateful when I think of how much sweet together time we've enjoyed. (We celebrate eight years of marriage in a few weeks!) Andy has been especially helpful over the past few days as I have been an absolute wreck trying to tie up loose ends and pull things together to prepare for our daughter, who arrives in a matter of days!

Friends, we get to hold our living baby in our arms. (More tears!) God willing, we will leave the hospital with a baby instead of leaving empty-handed. We are in awe of this incredible gift!

What happens now:

Our baby will be delivered Thursday morning in a Virginia hospital. J has graciously invited me to join her in the operating room so that I will be able to hold the baby right away. We will be living in Virginia until the adoption is finalized, which may take a month or two (or longer). We cannot cross state lines with our girl during that time, but we will both be coming up to Frederick here and there for work and getting our home ready. We are working with an attorney and will receive a home study and follow-up visits in the coming weeks.

What we have:

We are so blessed to have already received some baby items in addition to a few things we had for John and Jane. If an item is not on one of our registries, we likely already have it. We will add things as we think of them or ask for anything someone might be able to give us secondhand. If you happen to leave something at our door or send something to our home in Frederick, it will be picked up by a neighbor and we will receive it the next time we are in town.

What we don't have: a name! We're working on it! :) We will joyfully share a birth announcement on Thursday or Friday.

How you can help:

Pray for this adoption to proceed smoothly and quickly. Pray for J as she recovers emotionally and physically. Pray for us to show one another grace as we navigate this new, exciting, sleep-less season! 

We have already received many requests on how people can help out. Here are a few ways:

Donate to the baby Rennie fund
Our Target registry
Our Amazon registry

Our church community will set up a meal train for when we move back to Maryland. If you'd like to be a part of that, you can either leave your e-mail in a comment or message me on Facebook.

While I love to share this news and tend to over-share in general, I want to protect J's privacy and our baby's story. We will not be sharing any more information about the birth parents publicly, and may choose not to share it privately, either. If you know J, please do not give her identity away. Thanks! If you're wondering, we are legally allowed to share pictures of our baby, and J has given us her blessing to do so.

A final note: hugs to anyone reading this who is bummed to hear this news via Facebook. These past few days have been a whirlwind — so much to do in so little time!

Your prayers for our hearts have carried us through such a long, dark time. Thank you! God is good and He is faithful always.


Psalm 145:3-21

Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise;
    his greatness no one can fathom.
 One generation commends your works to another;
    they tell of your mighty acts.
 They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—
    and I will meditate on your wonderful works.
 They tell of the power of your awesome works—
    and I will proclaim your great deeds.
 They celebrate your abundant goodness
    and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

 The Lord is gracious and compassionate,
    slow to anger and rich in love.

 The Lord is good to all;
    he has compassion on all he has made.
 All your works praise you, Lord;
    your faithful people extol you.
They tell of the glory of your kingdom
    and speak of your might,
 so that all people may know of your mighty acts
    and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
 Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
    and your dominion endures through all generations.

The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises
    and faithful in all he does.
 The Lord upholds all who fall
    and lifts up all who are bowed down.
 The eyes of all look to you,
    and you give them their food at the proper time.
 You open your hand
    and satisfy the desires of every living thing. 

The Lord is righteous in all his ways
    and faithful in all he does.
 The Lord is near to all who call on him,
    to all who call on him in truth.
 He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
    he hears their cry and saves them.
 The Lord watches over all who love him,
    but all the wicked he will destroy.

 My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord.
    Let every creature praise his holy name
    for ever and ever.

around here

doing
- Design work! I’m planning to launch laurarennieinteriors.com in a couple of weeks, and I am bursting at the seams to share it with y’all!
- House updates. We got a gorgeous four-poster bed frame for the basement guest room! For FREE! I also sold some furniture to purchase a new desk for my new office. :) :) :) I’m going to paint this weekend while Andy is off doing fantasy football shenanigans. It’s a good thing I still have a few Undisclosed episodes to listen to!
- Reading outdoors. These crisp mornings and sunny-but-not-sweltering afternoons have been amazing. I’ve been hit with deep sorrow on an almost daily basis and getting outside always boosts my spirits. 
- Barre. What?! I tried it for the first time last week and loved it. I went back this morning and had an awesome “Center Stage” moment while doing glute bridges.

eating
- roasted petite potatoes like it’s my job
- butter lettuce. With roasted potatoes on top. :) And bacon, and fried eggs. My new favorite salad.
- honey bunches of oats with unsweetened almond milk. And roasted potatoes. (Kidding!)

watching
- Project Runway is back!!!!!!
- Playing House on USA is great. It’s our new favorite show.

reading
- I just finished “The Martian” by Andy Weir — have you read it? I have mixed feelings about the movie cast.
- “Anything” by Jennie Allen. Who gave me this book? Whoever you are, thank you.
- “The One Year Book of Hope” by Nancy Guthrie. I tried to start this devotional after John died, but I gave it up. Then I tried it again after Jane. I’m finally dedicated to having a morning quiet time, and this daily reading plus some Scripture has been manna to my soul.

wishing
- Doritos were vegetables
- For more crisp mornings and sunny afternoons, and that it would be Monday, because that’s when Dunkin Donuts starts selling their pumpkin coffee!!!!!!!!!

What’s going on with you? What are you reading/cooking/watching these days?

my first Stitch Fix

My friend Jackie received a gift card to Stitch Fix last Christmas and has been talking about the service ever since then. (She finally got a box last month.) I'm more likely to try something if someone else tries it first, so I followed suit and decided to give it a try for myself!

Stitch Fix is an online styling service that sends five items picked for you right to your door. (Packages are the best!) You fill out a style profile when you first sign up to let your stylist know what sizes you are and what styles of clothes you like, hate, and want to try. You pay a $20 styling fee for each fix, which is later applied as a credit if you choose to keep anything from your fix. If you keep all five items, you receive 25% off the entire purchase. Return shipping is free and easy. 

Click here if you want to try it yourself!

Stitch Fix sends the items neatly folded and wrapped along with a run-down of item names and prices and tear-off style cards that give you examples of how to wear each item. Your personal stylist will also include a note explaining why she picked each item for you. It's a really nice touch!

I knew if I took pics with my Nikon that I’d be really picky about the background and I’d want to edit them and I’d put stupid pressure on myself, so I decided to snap pics with my phone instead. I am a super awkward selfie-taker. Also, I'm clearly in a bathroom. #keepingitreal

Here we go!

Market & Spruce Sam Hi-Lo Short Sleeved Tee, Gray - $44
I love this top! It fit perfectly, the hi-lo isn't too drastic and it’s incredibly soft. Unfortunately, it's a little bit sheer, and it's not quite special enough for me to spend $44. Regretfully returning!

Just Black Rogers Distressed Boyfriend Jean - $78

These fit me like skinny jeans - not at ALL like boyfriend jeans. Regardless, I liked the fit everywhere except the knee. The material was noticeably loose in the knee area, and that would be a problem for me. I also didn't love the distressed detail on the top part of the jeans. But, I was impressed that they fit well (other than the knee area), considering how hard of a time I normally have when it comes to finding pants that fit. Returning.

Market & Spruce Corinna Striped Dolman Top, Navy - $48

Stripes. Dolman Sleeves. Navy. These are a few of my favorite things. I am on the fence about this one! It’s GREAT and I’m willing to pay for it, but I have several similar tops. Update - sold this item to a girl who returned hers and regretted it. 

Levant Wavy Laser-Cut Earrings - $28

I asked for medium-sized gold earrings, and my stylist delivered. Unfortunately, the wavy texture was a bit too funky for me. Returning!

Pixley Kathy Striped Fit & Flare Dress - $68

I fell in love with this dress when I saw it on another girl's blog. I had a hunch it would fit my body type well, and I was right! It fits like a glove, and I feel great in it. I already own a 3/4-sleeve striped fit and flare dress from GAP, but I don't care... this one I'm KEEPING!!!! (Knowing the dress will be $48 with my credit made this an easy decision for me.) I may never take this dress off. 

----

I was grateful to receive lots of advice from Jackie on how to get a successful "fix." I was as specific as possible when filling out information about my body type and style preferences. I also provided my stylist with a link to a Pinterest board containing images of clothes I like. I even included a few pictures of myself.

What I didn’t like about my first Stitch Fix
I was really hoping to see a fun sleeveless top in my fix. I pinned a bunch of different ones I liked, so I was surprised not to see one. HOWEVER...

What I did like about my first Stitch Fix
I was overall thrilled with my first fix. My stylist clearly took the time to read through my notes and look at my Pinterest board. ALL of the clothing items I received were ones I had pinned! Some people don’t love their first fixes because their stylist is still getting to know them. I’m glad I took the time to give my stylist a lot of information about myself. My stylist played it safe by giving me items I specifically said I liked, and I think that was the right way to go.

This post contains referral links. If you sign up for Stitch Fix using my referral link, I will receive a $25 credit to use toward future purchases. (Please use the referral! If you accidentally skip the referral section, you can still get me the credit by sending my email address and name to the customer service email. I’d love to try Stitch Fix again! Make sure to read this post about how to get your best fix.)

God’s real love in my real suffering

our precious baby John

Each night at VBS this week we’ve focused on a characteristic of God’s love: incredible, faithful, invincible, unconditional and real.

Last night the 4th and 5th grade girls in my group learned about the realness of God’s love. Both their craft-time and Bible-time teachers asked the girls if they could give examples from their own life of how we know God is real (even thought we cannot see Him). Several girls had stories to share, and they all went something like this:

My cousin’s baby had a hole in his heart but everyone prayed and now that baby is eleven.
My mom’s stepsister’s baby was sick before it was born and it was really scary but she’s okay now.
My sister’s extension umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck and she almost didn’t live, but she did.

Goodness, was it ever tough to sit there and hear those stories.

When the doctor listed off everything that was wrong with John, it made sense that he would die. But I believed God could make John whole. I believed (and still believe) God could have done some crazy heavenly fetal surgery and the doctors would have been speechless, and I could have gone on to birth a healthy, living baby, and people around the world who had been praying for us would have been able to point to John as an example of God’s love. He could have healed John, but He didn’t.

When I became pregnant with Jane, I battled fear constantly and I prayed constantly. I believed God was blessing us with a life after our loss. I believed God would rejoice in giving us a healthy baby, and I prayed that He would. He could have, but He didn’t.

God didn’t show His love to me by giving me what I prayed for. The evidence of God’s real love in my life does not look like what I thought it would (but it is still there). There have been many dark days when the choice to recall to mind God’s love and goodness has felt excruciating, but I HAVE that choice because His love IS real.

"I cry out, “My splendor is gone!
Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!”

The thought of my suffering and homelessness
is bitter beyond words.
I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.”

-Lamentations 3:18-23

We need these stories of real love during real suffering.
We need to remember God’s realness isn’t only found in “success stories” and prayers answered “yes.” We can experience God’s love throughout our times of trial — not just when the trial is over.

My story is not "God is real! He healed my babies."
My story is "God is real! He is healing me.”

what I buy at Costco and Trader Joe’s

I know I can’t be the only one who is curious about how other people live — whether it’s how they schedule their day, what makeup they wear, what TV shows they watch, etc. I’m sharing what I buy at Costco and Trader Joe’s because I’m hoping you’ll tell me what one (or five, or ten) thing is missing from my list that I absolutely must try.

I do most of my shopping at Giant Eagle, which is close enough to our house that I occasionally walk there. I usually go two times a week, for around 5-20 minutes of actual shopping time. I write my list according to where things are in the store. I always use a basket when I’m doing my weekly shopping. It helps me to stick to my list, and I move faster when I’m desperate to relieve my tired arm! Plus, I have enough items in my pantry and freezer that I tend to only need produce, meat and dairy products.

A sample shopping list might look like: salad, green beans, bag of baby potatoes, an onion, apples, grapes, deli meat, chicken breasts, milk, eggs, cheese.

Costco and Trader Joe’s build up my pantry and freezer.

Costco

I don’t go to Costco very often, since there are only two of us. (I’m grateful to have a free membership through my dad’s company.) I store the bulk items in our laundry room and I freeze whatever bread products we aren’t using that week. 

I mostly go for specific food items, but I occasionally browse the center area and the small kitchen appliances section. I’ve bought socks, flip flops, towels, a rice cooker, splatter screens, a beach chair...and maybe two or three times a year I’ll stock up on movie passes, toothbrushes, shampoo, and baking goods (I love their bulk spices and salt and pepper grinders.) These are the things I most consistently purchase:

• naan
• rotisserie chicken
• frozen meatballs
• paper products (tissues, TP and paper towels)
• dog treats
• black beans
• tomato sauce
• Kirkland tuna
• rice 
• coffee

Trader Joe’s

Our closest TJ’s is about 25 minutes away, but I’ve actually never been to it! I always go to the one in Springfield, VA, which is right by my parent’s house. I’m there every two months or so.

• flowers
• wine
• whole wheat slims (for Andy’s lunches)
• reduced guilt chunky guacamole
• tomato and roasted red pepper soup (The BEST pre-made tomato soup. Don’t get the low sodium version.)
• jalapeño refried beans
• feta dressing
• sriracha bbq sauce
• mandarin orange chicken (I serve it over rice)
• chicken burgers (Great with guac)
• pork potstickers (Served over rice — and I like to make a little sauce with brown sugar, soy sauce and sriracha. It’s spicy and a little sauce goes a long way) 
• chicken tamales
• dark chocolate peanut butter cups
• cookie butter
• maple leaf cookies
• iced cranberry pistachio biscotti (seasonal)
• frozen almond croissants

What else should I try? 

cabin weekend and homemade thyme rolls

Last Friday we met my parents at the cabin for the weekend. I made chicken tikka masala for dinner and we read, played Pinochle and watched “Big Hero 6.” The temperature dropped to the low sixties and we had the windows open when we went to bed. It was gloriously chilly. I woke up to the sound of rain and Andy’s soft snoring, and I burrowed back under a quilt and fell back asleep.

The cabin is my very favorite place to sleep in.

Sometimes, if you’re very good, your mom or dad will creep up the stairs and bring you a little “taster” of bacon. And if you like, you can take a mug of coffee into bed with you and spend the morning reading and staring out the window.

Once you’re finally out of bed, you can read on the screened-in porch for a bit. You can have a snack, then climb in the clawfoot tub and read some more. And if your nightmare comes true and you realize you didn’t bring enough books, you can dip into the basket of James Herriot books and old Martha Stewart Living magazines that permanently reside next to the couch.

CAN I JUST LIVE THERE, PLEASE?

As lovely as summertime is, it’s a bit sucky that I finally got over the hump of Jane’s anniversary only to face another anniversary: the death of our son, John. Two years on Monday. Blegh. It’s frustrating to be in a complete state of bliss and then suddenly crying, or simply feeling blue. A few days ago my body started freaking out. I was dry heaving, my head was killing me and the area around my incision was hurting. (It rarely ever hurts anymore.) It’s amazing how our bodies react to stress and pain.

A lesson on grief: there will, eventually, be good days. Followed by hard days. Followed by numb days.

This week has flown by. I’ve been spending hours each day working on my first paid design job (!!!), catching up on lessons and assignments for my design class and trying (but failing) to keep the house in order. I’m having one of those seasons of being completely uninspired in the kitchen, but Andy is usually able to get me out of my rut by suggesting I try to copycat a dish we’ve had at a restaurant. (Like Old Bay wings.) On Wednesday Andy cooked me up a fabulous ribeye that he seasoned with salt, pepper and fresh thyme. He remembered a restaurant we went to in Culpeper, VA, back when we thought we were going to move there. The restaurant, called “It’s About Thyme,” had rolls with...you guessed it...thyme!

how many times (get it?) am I going to write the word ‘thyme’ AHHHHH I need more coffee.

ANYWAY, long story short, I made homemade thyme rolls last night! I hardly ever bake, so I was thrilled when the rolls came out looking just like they do in the picture. They were incredible! I cut the recipe in half, because I knew we were going to eat all of the rolls that night. You can’t not eat all the bread when it’s hot out of the oven!

No-Knead Thyme Dinner Rolls from Alexandra Cooks

I served the rolls with heated up tomato and roasted red pepper soup from Trader Joe’s and a salad with goat cheese, walnuts and dried cherries. I would be perfectly content to have that meal every week!

I'm working on a post of my favorite things to buy from Trader Joe’s and Costco. Stay tuned!

around here

While I’ve had my fair share of hard days over the past two weeks, I’ve also made some fun memories and taken every opportunity I can to breathe deep and let myself be. To push the constant stream of “this time last year” thoughts to the back of my head and choose to focus on whatever is in front of me: a good book, a patch of sun, a furry pup, an article I need to turn in.

Two weekends ago my sisters and I tried on mom’s dresses from when she was in her late teens/early twenties. We did a little impromptu fashion show for my parents. I actually wore that dress with the animal print skirt to one of my bridal showers!

Doesn’t the pink and gold dress look so Betty Draper? I really hope I have an event I can wear that dress to someday.

I also went to yoga in the park for the first time, bought new running shoes (that I actually run in, whaaat who am I), enjoyed a sweet sibling dinner date with my brother, started an online interior design course, read two books (“The Likeness” and “The Last Letter From Your Lover”), hosted some friends for brunch, participated in a team trivia night for the first time and went on a date with my guy.

A few weeks ago I thought about throwing out all of the cards people sent after John and Jane died. I’ll never read them again, I thought. They’re just taking up space. But something made me wait. A few days ago, on the anniversary of the day I held my stillborn Janie Lou, I took out my “Jane” box and read through every single note. It was a bittersweet activity, and by the end of it I was completely wrecked from crying. I’m glad I did it, though.

This weekend we have a combined cookout with our small group and our old small group, and then Sunday we’re heading to Winchester to hang out with dear friends visiting from Florida and Andy’s family.  I can hardly wait!

beach trip ‘15

I broke my two-month break from fast food with breakfast from Taco Bell on our drive to the Outer Banks. And I liked it.

from Twiddy’s website

Last week we headed to Corolla, N.C. to spend the week with my family — my parents, my older sister Katie and her husband Todd, and my older brother John-Michael and his wife Sky. JM and Sky live in South Korea and we usually only see them once a year. I loved chatting on the beach with Sky and screaming “it’s a big one!” with my brother as we ducked under waves like we did when we were kids.

We also had the pups with us — our dog, Casey, and my parent’s dog, Ellie. They happily spent the week chasing sand crabs, kissing squealing children, running into the water and flopping down under the umbrella for a snooze.

My little companion. I love her so!

I re-discovered my love for tennis last week. I don’t remember playing legit tennis since I took lessons when I was twelve. Our house was steps away from a tennis court, and we all had a blast hitting around and playing doubles. We laughed over how one of our rackets is so old it was made in West Germany!

Andy told me on the drive down that he was going to take me out one evening for a date. We went to The Crafty Cow for dinner (Jeopardy was on!) and played mini golf afterwards. I’m still thinking about the loaded tots we had... they had grits on them, of all things! But they were fabulous.

I was pregnant with Jane when we were at the beach last year, and the week after our vacation was when she died. I was understandably a little nervous about how I’d do on vacation this year, considering. I set as much of my grief aside as I could and chose to focus on the many blessings I do have. Now that I’m home, much of what I pushed deep down has come up and I know I have to let myself process these feelings, as painful as they are. There really isn’t an easy time of year anymore, because every season is tied up with different emotions and memories, but summer is especially hard.

God has answered and continues to answer my prayers for moments of relief from my sorrow. I’m grateful our beach trip was one I truly enjoyed, and that the following months hold cookouts, reunions with dear friends, new design projects and lots of summer reading.

the decision to be faithful

I’m torn between two very strong feelings: that God is calling me to shine a light on my grief (however ugly it is) and that it hurts too much to sit and dwell and reflect and re-hash.

A month or so ago I listened to a sermon by Andy Stanley, and he said something I can’t get out of my head. He said, "You have no idea what or who hangs in the balance of your decision to remain faithful when everything around you says "Be faithless." You have no idea what God might be up to through your faithfulness when everything around you says, 'There's no point...”

Then, a few days ago, I listened to a sermon by my sister-in-law about God’s purpose for us and why we need to embrace the gifts He has given us. She talks about our place in the body of Christ — how we might think of our role as unimportant, but that truly the body is made stronger and better when we take our role seriously and use it to serve Christ and others. She said, "It’s the enemy’s greatest fear that you guys are walking in the plans that God has for your life.”

Do you think God might be trying to tell me something?

Part of the struggle with sharing my grief is that I don’t want to be that person who is allowed to suffer so that her suffering might be used for God’s glory. I don’t want losing two babies so I can witness to others to be God’s plan for my life. You might think that’s fair, or you might think I’m being terribly selfish or terribly un-Christian. But the thing is, now that it’s happened (my losses), I DO want to bring God glory through my suffering and how I choose to share about my grief. I just wish the losses had never happened in the first place. I wish there was some guarantee that my grief is over — that I won’t lose anything else. I thought John was it, and then I lost Jane. The fear doesn’t come from what’s already happened as much as from wondering if this is my lot. I wonder what else I will be asked to give, or how long I will be asked to wait.

I wonder what hangs in the balance of my decision to be faithful.

I wonder what being faithful is supposed to look like for me. Does it look like telling the story of my hurting, slowly healing heart, even though I desperately wish I didn’t have this story to tell? Does it look like listing out my sufferings like Paul, so I can point to the list and say, Hey, all these terrible things happened to me. Did you hear me the first time? I’ll tell you again. I suffered. I suffered. I suffered. One thing has never changed: God is present, God is good and God is working in my life.

I had a great Saturday. I started the day off with a run (!!!), attended a “packing party” where I ate delicious scones and coffee and boxed a million DVDs while chatting with a friend, snuggled my pup and read a good book on the deck. I took a fabulous shower and was excited about our plans to go out that evening with a group of friends. I started to dry my hair, and then, out of the blue, I started sobbing. Loud, gasping sobs. I grabbed a pillow and screamed into it, laying sideways across the bed and thinking, whaaaat the heck?

It’s simply always there. The cost of being sad all the time is that it’s miserable to be sad all the time. The cost of setting grief aside for a bit is that it eventually bubbles out of you and you do yourself a disservice by not letting yourself feel.

I miss them.

I gave myself five minutes to cry. Then, I pulled it together, put on my makeup and went to dinner. I had a wonderful time. I can look back on that day and think, the old Laura is coming back. I can see the “new” Laura is present in the story, too... the Laura who cries out of the blue sometimes, who misses her babies and often feels very alone. The Laura who would really like for God to send a baby to her doorstep, preferably with a note that says, John and Jane are waiting for you. Here is a little one to hold. You get to keep this one.

The Laura who never thought the decision to be faithful would look like this.

design by Mary Hairston
get the free printable HERE

Laurel’s guest room makeover

Earlier this week I headed to Bel Air, Maryland, to visit my closest friend. Laurel and I have known each other since middle school, and she is one of my greatest cheerleaders. Most recently, she has encouraged me to pursue my dream of having a side business as an interior decorator. She invited me to visit her new home and do a makeover of her guest room. How sweet is she? 

Laurel described her guest room as a bland-looking space with a hodgepodge of various pieces of furniture. I was given a budget of $225 (though she preferred I stay closer to $200) and full freedom to decorate how I liked. She already knew she wanted to reupholster the chair and asked for my help with picking a fabric. She told me she wanted the room to feel welcoming and cozy, with a place for guests to set down their bags. She also hoped to see a pop of color somewhere in the space.

Please excuse my not-so-great phone pictures. I can’t believe I forgot my DSLR! :(

Here’s what the room looked like before:

And here’s what it looked like a day later:

What a difference!

In case you can’t tell from the pictures, there is just over a foot of space on either side of the bed, and several feet of space between the end of the bed and the closet. My very first suggestion was to remove the trunk at the end of the bed. The trunk is truly great, but it was too deep for the space. While I love mixing up styles, it was too different in style from the bed. Laurel agreed that it wasn’t the best fit, but she really wanted a surface for guests to set down their things. I walked around her house to try to find a different piece of furniture. Thankfully, she had a bench that was the perfect length and depth for the foot of the bed! We swapped the trunk for the bench right away and the room already looked better. 

The pale yellow wall color is very fresh in person and I had a hunch we could make it work. Laurel can always paint in the future. The bookshelf looked a bit plain in the pictures Laurel sent me, but once I saw it in person I could see it’s a beautifully made antique piece, and the wood is too pretty to paint!

I suggested we try the following: a colorful patterned bedspread with white curtains, or colorful curtains with the existing white bedspread and a few fun accent pillows. I was originally leaning towards colorful curtains, but Laurel said she’d ideally move the white bedspread to her own bed. Our direction was decided upon pretty quickly when Laurel fell in love with a blue quilt on our first shopping trip to Target. (Funnily enough, I have the same quilt in yellow.) We found curtains we loved, but they weren’t in stock. We left Target having spent just over half of the budget (quilt, shams, accent pillow and faux plant.) I still wanted to pick up curtains, a nightstand, a lampshade and a piece of framed art, but we didn’t have a ton of money left over. I also didn’t love the accent pillow we had picked up from Target. We went to Home Goods next and I immediately spotted the PERFECT pillow. I also found a great little accent table at Home Goods. It was the right size, shape and color for the space, and it was only $40! (Accent tables at Target were $60+.) We picked up a couple baskets to try on her bookshelf and eyed the framed art section. No luck on art! We also tried Kohls for art, but again — no luck. 

We called it a day and went back to Laurel’s to have dinner. We played around with our new purchases and discovered we liked the look of the quilt without the shams. Not buying shams opened up more room in our budget, which made me very happy!

The next morning we went to a different Target and picked up the curtains we had wanted, a third storage bin for the bench, and a curtain rod and lampshade. We peeked at Ross for art, but didn’t find anything we loved. At that point getting art was last priority. We actually didn’t have room in the budget for art. We would have only picked something up to show what Laurel could do in the future. We went to Walmart for fabric and decided to see if they had better prices on a similar looking curtain rod and lampshade. They did! YAY! I also spotted an inexpensive owl vase that I thought would look great on Laurel’s bookshelf, since it’s very close in color to the blue quilt.

Back at the house, Laurel worked on installing the curtain rod while I styled the bookshelves. I used the new vase and basket along with books and and a sewing box Laurel already owned. I had brought along one of my mirrors to use in her room and offered to sell it to her at a fair price. I wish we could have hung the mirror lower, but then no one would be able to actually use it! (If you love the mirror, the T.J. Maxx in Frederick is selling that exact one for $20. Mine is from Target several years ago.)

Here are a few more pictures of the updated room:

The top print says, “Be our guest” and the second says, “Welcome, the wifi password is ...”
(The room looks blue because this photo was taken at night, when the only light was from the lamp.)

Remember, this is how it looked before: 

and now:

Those curtains! That lampshade! And that little faux plant! Eee! :)

Laurel already owned the two gray storage bins. We bought another, but accidentally grabbed the wrong size. We would have hit her max budget if we had bought the bin, though. We agreed it wasn’t necessary and she can always add one in the future.

Laurel wasn’t sure about this table when I picked it out, but she was willing to try it. I’m glad she fell in love with it, because I think it’s absolutely perfect.

The white fabric I picked for the chair has a gorgeous weave. I know white is risky for stains, but it looks awesome against the wood and Laurel can easily Scotchguard the fabric.

Notice how nice our purses look on top of the bookcase? Haha.

I adore that accent pillow. Laurel was outside of the store when I found it, and it was really fun to see the look on her face when she walked in and saw me holding it up. It was love at first sight. :)

The photos truly don’t do the room justice. It was a pleasant room to be in before, but it lacked personality. I loved how the original white bedspread brightened up the space, so I’m glad we went with white fabric for the chair and used all white pillows (as well as mostly white curtains). The gray lampshade is much fresher looking than the old one, and it adds subtle color and texture.

Laurel has a beautiful front board from an upright piano that she mentioned could be used in the room as art. I LOVE that idea! I suggest painting it white with milk paint and giving it a slightly distressed look. (Like this and this.) The color of the front board is too similar to the wall color in daylight. The little ledge could be used to lean pictures against, but I think the piece is gorgeous just the way it is.

How the budget was spent:

Target quilt - $60 (on sale)
Target curtains - $48 for 2 panels (on sale)
Home Goods accent table - $40
Walmart lampshade - $15
Walmart curtain rod - $12.50 (cheaper in store)
Walmart owl vase - $10
Target mirror - $10 (no longer sold in stores or online)
Home Goods Basket - $6
Target faux plant - $3 (from the dollar bin section!)
Walmart fabric (for chair) - $3
=$207.50

I happened to visit Laurel on her birthday. My gift to her was the white accent pillow from Home Goods. It was a good price for a large and well-made pillow. I wish I had bought one for myself!

Here’s what Laurel has to say about her room’s new look: I completely adore it! The transformation is amazing to me. It went from being very plain to inviting, fresh, and pulled-together in no time! My absolute favorite is the curtains she picked out and how she hung them. They really add interest to the room and help mask the fact that the window is off-centered. I was a little unsure of the wooden side table at first when she picked it out at Home Goods. I wasn't sure it would go well in the space, but once I saw it next to the bed, I fell in love. It's the perfect little table for that corner! Laura made the space exactly what I wanted. I can't wait to have my first guest come to stay! 

Which change or new addition do you like best? I love it all (duh), but I think the biggest wow comes from swapping out the curtain rod and curtain.

Laurel, thank you for encouraging my dream and for trusting me with your guest room!